Hey internet people. Now I will tell you about my day.
Played my new game most of the morning and some of the afternoon, and then my DS ran out of batteries at an interesting part in the game and I wanted to cry but I didn't. Scrounged around for my brother's DS charger but couldn't find it. Also looked for my own in my bags, hoping I'd remembered to bring it, but evidently I left it in New York. Didn't think I'd be playing games; haven't used the thing in a while, so I guess I wasn't to expect to need it. Got my brother's friend to plan to bring his charger into school tomorrow to give to my brother to give to me. Got impatient. Drove over to brother's friend's house and picked it up. (It's okay, we're good friends with his entire family - spent Christmas with them too - so I'm allowed to do that.) Got home. Happily plugged in the charger. Grabbed my DS to connect it. Realized that the regular DS and the DS Lite (which I have) have different-sized ports for their respective chargers. Wanted to cry again.
I think I may go to Best Buy tomorrow.
...
My little brother is so much like me it's almost scary. Probably because we grew up close, not the weird warring siblings you see a lot. My parents used to call him my sidekick, because he'd do everything I told him to. But he has more friends than I did as a high school freshman. Probably still has more friends than me know. I don't know for sure because I can't weasel an answer out of him, but I think he likes a girl..
...
I WANT A GODDAMNED CHARGER FOR MY GODDAMNED DS SO I CAN KEEP PLAYING MY GODDAMNED GAME. I am a puzzle freak. Seriously, I claim not to want to do math ever again, but I'm a fucken liar. I see patterns in numbers and letters and objects everywherrrre. It's fun for me. I play games with license plates when I'm not driving, or when I'm sitting in traffic.
...
Yeah, that's it for tonight, I think. I'm going to sleep early, because I'm visiting the high school tomorrow. (Didn't think I'd ever want to go back, but for the art teachers. Love them people. They're Good People.)
IMPATIENT AHHHH just let me play my freaking game,
Olivia
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
New Professor Layton and not much else.
I don't think I have anything to talk about today. Got Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box, so I'm playing that. Puzzle games are fun.
Oh, and my brother and I had a chat in the car today about what things would be like if we had never moved.
Off to play my game now, yay, I like Professor Layton, I'm a geek what,
Olivia
Oh, and my brother and I had a chat in the car today about what things would be like if we had never moved.
Off to play my game now, yay, I like Professor Layton, I'm a geek what,
Olivia
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Vanilla bean ice cream is delicious.
No, seriously. I am eating it right now. I have tastebudual proof. Yum yum yum yum yum. It is a good night for ice cream.
...
So. I really like Pomplamoose. They are Cool People. Their original songs are nifty and their covers are fun.
...
So. I really like Pomplamoose. They are Cool People. Their original songs are nifty and their covers are fun.
...
I had a therapist, or counselor, or whatever, for a few months early in high school. My mom thought she might help figure out why I always repressed my talent. Or something like that.
She was nice.
I lied to my therapist. All the time. I pretended my life was great.
She was of no use to me.
I can't help keeping secrets from strangers. Especially when I know they're being paid to analyze me. I am full of bullshit excuses for those who don't yet deserve my inner feelings.
I have friends who are therapy for me. They are not professionals, but they are good enough. I think the only person better for me would be a mind-clone of myself sans emotions. Because then she would be able to tell me what to do and I would listen to her.
...
I am feeling mostly less crazy than I was the past few days. Worked in Maya for a few hours today. Going to work more tomorrow.
Nothing more interesting that I can think of, so good night.
Pomplamoose makes me want to -dance-,
Olivia
She was of no use to me.
I can't help keeping secrets from strangers. Especially when I know they're being paid to analyze me. I am full of bullshit excuses for those who don't yet deserve my inner feelings.
I have friends who are therapy for me. They are not professionals, but they are good enough. I think the only person better for me would be a mind-clone of myself sans emotions. Because then she would be able to tell me what to do and I would listen to her.
...
I am feeling mostly less crazy than I was the past few days. Worked in Maya for a few hours today. Going to work more tomorrow.
Nothing more interesting that I can think of, so good night.
Pomplamoose makes me want to -dance-,
Olivia
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Dead people, going crazy, geese.
Hellooooo, internet.
Been watching episodes of Dead Like Me on Hulu; it's a good show, you should watch it. It's about a bunch of grim reapers who take people's souls. They also eat waffles.
That was such an ineffective summary. I am ashamed. But the show makes me think about things. Like that question: If today were your last day alive, what would you do?
I don't even know.
...
I've decided it's probably because I'm not at school. I don't have work to worry about, so I latch on to something else to screw with me.
I'm back at home, where I know people and people know me, and I am putting myself under bullshit pressure just by coming in contact with them.
I don't know why they like me. So I punish myself for having friends.
I really need to get out; I need to do something.
Maybe I need to go back to the city, where I can worry about being hit by taxis and disappointing teachers. Those things I can overcome.
...
There is a game on Kongregate involving geese migrations. It's a fun game.
...
Maybe I'll try sleeping early tonight. (Maybe it will help.)
Olivia
Been watching episodes of Dead Like Me on Hulu; it's a good show, you should watch it. It's about a bunch of grim reapers who take people's souls. They also eat waffles.
That was such an ineffective summary. I am ashamed. But the show makes me think about things. Like that question: If today were your last day alive, what would you do?
I don't even know.
...
I've decided it's probably because I'm not at school. I don't have work to worry about, so I latch on to something else to screw with me.
I'm back at home, where I know people and people know me, and I am putting myself under bullshit pressure just by coming in contact with them.
I don't know why they like me. So I punish myself for having friends.
I really need to get out; I need to do something.
Maybe I need to go back to the city, where I can worry about being hit by taxis and disappointing teachers. Those things I can overcome.
...
There is a game on Kongregate involving geese migrations. It's a fun game.
...
Maybe I'll try sleeping early tonight. (Maybe it will help.)
Olivia
"Draw me, happy."
A pretty quote. It sounds so sad.
I suppose this is an in-between. I made my post for January first, but I haven't yet gone to sleep. I thought it needed its own post, though. So here's an extra.
Olivia
PS. And in case it wasn't clear in my last post, I am a big ol' bundle of fucken nerves right now. I am going to drive myself insane.
PPS. It is now five in the morning. I am not sure whether or not I intend to go to sleep. It would probably be the healthy thing to do. Because, of course, all the decisions I make are one hundred percent good for me..
I suppose this is an in-between. I made my post for January first, but I haven't yet gone to sleep. I thought it needed its own post, though. So here's an extra.
Olivia
PS. And in case it wasn't clear in my last post, I am a big ol' bundle of fucken nerves right now. I am going to drive myself insane.
PPS. It is now five in the morning. I am not sure whether or not I intend to go to sleep. It would probably be the healthy thing to do. Because, of course, all the decisions I make are one hundred percent good for me..
Friday, January 1, 2010
Resolutions. (Also, it seems tonight I am jittery.)
Alright, internet. Resolutions first, then a summary of last night, then random blogthoughts.
Keep working on drawing skills.
Stay ahead of the pack in animation.
Excel in liberal arts classes.
Stop procrastinating so much
Achieve more A's.
Read more.
Write more.
Spend less money.
Make more money.
Practice the piano more often.
Try to make more friends.
Care more about health - physical, mental, emotional.
Work on self esteem issues.
Get a guy (the guy, The Guy).
Be happier.
Be awesome.
...
Last night was fun. Five people who are easy to be around came to my house - I had to pick up four in my parents' minivan; apparently none of my friends drive, for some dumb reason or another - and we did Nothing In Particular. Watched a movie. Hung around.
I love them. Some more than others, but them more than most.
...
I fucken hate being a cliche I fucken hate being a cliche I fucken hate being a cliche.
I know that humans are very much the same and there really aren't any 'different' people, but I hate that. I don't want to be the same.
I don't like to feel attraction to someone, because it feels too overdone and overtired and overworked. It's an idea and I hate it and I can't fucken help it and you know I'm one of those people who has to be in control, even in control of myself, so you see my frustration, right? Life's fucking with me.
Hopeless. Hopeless, hopeless.
I am obsessed with the truth and the evidence and the proof. I can't do anything off a whim. Impulse is not my strong suit; I am a nervous person.
I will take my own truth, then: I am not meant for relationships. If only because I'm too much of a coward.
Life is kind of difficult. Everything sounds scripted, everything seems like I've seen it before. But I seem to have forgotten my cues.
...
Do you ever think about writing your will? I do, sometimes. I'm too young, probably, to care. But I am a careful person, I am a just-in-case person. I'm the one who wants to get there early so I don't miss out; I'm the one who makes sure there's extras.
It occurs to me that writing one's will in something like a blog - or just somewhere online in general - would be an interesting thing to do. Probably not valid. But there, if anyone who reads it cares. There, enough that things might happen as the deceased had wished.
...
Today I spent a few minutes in front of a mirror to see what I look like when I'm happy.
I was, too.
I look better when I'm happy.
...
It is later at night now. Talking on Google voice chat, but his internet's patchy and sometimes lags. We lose audio connection occasionally. So when the audio dropped just now, I typed 'I lost you' at him. It looked out of the corner of my eye so much like something else that I had to triple check to make sure I hadn't slipped.
...
Motherfucker. He's asking me about blog sites.
I am a nervous person.
...
I'm just slipping everywhere. Slipped twice last night.
Motherfucker.
...
My hands are so dry during winter. My lips, too. My skin in general. But I always forget to do anything about it.
...
My throat hurts and I'm feeling queasy. Blaaargh. Was someone sick last night?
...
This is my sixtieth entry, by the way. Two months. I didn't think I would be able to write a post a day. I didn't think I had the ability.
Apparently I do.
Gotta keep it up.
Good night, if anyone is reading. Have a year. A good year would be nice. Make it good.
Olivia
PS. Neil Gaiman is just fucking amazing, and his words are fucking beautiful. I am jealous of anyone who attended AFP's show with the Boston Pops last night; it sounds like it was fantastic. (Is that her being led on under a blanket at the end of the clip?)
PPS. It occurs to me that my blog can probably be found through my email address, fuckyoupleaseGoogleifthisistrue. It also occurs to me that another resolution of mine should be to Be Less Nervous Or At Least Less Fucken Self-Conscious. And I should be less secretive as well. I am writing to the internet, after all. The internet knows nothing of privacy.
Keep working on drawing skills.
Stay ahead of the pack in animation.
Excel in liberal arts classes.
Stop procrastinating so much
Achieve more A's.
Read more.
Write more.
Spend less money.
Make more money.
Practice the piano more often.
Try to make more friends.
Care more about health - physical, mental, emotional.
Work on self esteem issues.
Get a guy (the guy, The Guy).
Be happier.
Be awesome.
...
Last night was fun. Five people who are easy to be around came to my house - I had to pick up four in my parents' minivan; apparently none of my friends drive, for some dumb reason or another - and we did Nothing In Particular. Watched a movie. Hung around.
I love them. Some more than others, but them more than most.
...
I fucken hate being a cliche I fucken hate being a cliche I fucken hate being a cliche.
I know that humans are very much the same and there really aren't any 'different' people, but I hate that. I don't want to be the same.
I don't like to feel attraction to someone, because it feels too overdone and overtired and overworked. It's an idea and I hate it and I can't fucken help it and you know I'm one of those people who has to be in control, even in control of myself, so you see my frustration, right? Life's fucking with me.
Hopeless. Hopeless, hopeless.
I am obsessed with the truth and the evidence and the proof. I can't do anything off a whim. Impulse is not my strong suit; I am a nervous person.
I will take my own truth, then: I am not meant for relationships. If only because I'm too much of a coward.
Life is kind of difficult. Everything sounds scripted, everything seems like I've seen it before. But I seem to have forgotten my cues.
...
Do you ever think about writing your will? I do, sometimes. I'm too young, probably, to care. But I am a careful person, I am a just-in-case person. I'm the one who wants to get there early so I don't miss out; I'm the one who makes sure there's extras.
It occurs to me that writing one's will in something like a blog - or just somewhere online in general - would be an interesting thing to do. Probably not valid. But there, if anyone who reads it cares. There, enough that things might happen as the deceased had wished.
...
Today I spent a few minutes in front of a mirror to see what I look like when I'm happy.
I was, too.
I look better when I'm happy.
...
It is later at night now. Talking on Google voice chat, but his internet's patchy and sometimes lags. We lose audio connection occasionally. So when the audio dropped just now, I typed 'I lost you' at him. It looked out of the corner of my eye so much like something else that I had to triple check to make sure I hadn't slipped.
...
Motherfucker. He's asking me about blog sites.
I am a nervous person.
...
I'm just slipping everywhere. Slipped twice last night.
Motherfucker.
...
My hands are so dry during winter. My lips, too. My skin in general. But I always forget to do anything about it.
...
My throat hurts and I'm feeling queasy. Blaaargh. Was someone sick last night?
...
This is my sixtieth entry, by the way. Two months. I didn't think I would be able to write a post a day. I didn't think I had the ability.
Apparently I do.
Gotta keep it up.
Good night, if anyone is reading. Have a year. A good year would be nice. Make it good.
Olivia
PS. Neil Gaiman is just fucking amazing, and his words are fucking beautiful. I am jealous of anyone who attended AFP's show with the Boston Pops last night; it sounds like it was fantastic. (Is that her being led on under a blanket at the end of the clip?)
PPS. It occurs to me that my blog can probably be found through my email address, fuckyoupleaseGoogleifthisistrue. It also occurs to me that another resolution of mine should be to Be Less Nervous Or At Least Less Fucken Self-Conscious. And I should be less secretive as well. I am writing to the internet, after all. The internet knows nothing of privacy.
Blargh argh blargh.
Happy new, guys.
...
"Oh, you still read it? Awesome. I'm almost at sixty posts now."
"Yeah, I haven't in the past few days, I need to catch up."
"Cool, I - oh my gosh I just realized Zoe told me she reads my blog."
"Oh, she..ohhhhhhh."
Hurr hurr. It's alright, though. Zoe is Good People.
On the other hand, why is it so fucken difficult?
I'm in love or in like or infatuated or insane. I want life to be easy and it's letting me down. Maybe I'm just not giving it enough of a chance.
Maybe I'm deluding myself.
Maybe what I've been telling myself is true, that I just can't have normal relationships because I'm not good enough or not special enough or not attractive enough or not clever enough or just not likable.
Maybe this is the year I can get that part of my brain to shut the fuck up and let me go about my business.
I wish I weren't so nervous. I am tiptoeing around this thing and ignoring it really doesn't help my cause.
I don't want to fuck things up. I'm comfortable right now. I would rather my life be simple than fuck with what I have.
I am not confident enough to try to make things better.
I'm a coward.
...
I'm a bit muddled after tonight. Since tomorrow's post is technically my new year's post, I will think over my resolutions and write them out for the next entry. I'll talk more about tonight, too.
Right now I'm just a bit confused.
Also frustrated.
Olivia
PS. Watch. Adore.
...
"Oh, you still read it? Awesome. I'm almost at sixty posts now."
"Yeah, I haven't in the past few days, I need to catch up."
"Cool, I - oh my gosh I just realized Zoe told me she reads my blog."
"Oh, she..ohhhhhhh."
Hurr hurr. It's alright, though. Zoe is Good People.
On the other hand, why is it so fucken difficult?
I'm in love or in like or infatuated or insane. I want life to be easy and it's letting me down. Maybe I'm just not giving it enough of a chance.
Maybe I'm deluding myself.
Maybe what I've been telling myself is true, that I just can't have normal relationships because I'm not good enough or not special enough or not attractive enough or not clever enough or just not likable.
Maybe this is the year I can get that part of my brain to shut the fuck up and let me go about my business.
I wish I weren't so nervous. I am tiptoeing around this thing and ignoring it really doesn't help my cause.
I don't want to fuck things up. I'm comfortable right now. I would rather my life be simple than fuck with what I have.
I am not confident enough to try to make things better.
I'm a coward.
...
I'm a bit muddled after tonight. Since tomorrow's post is technically my new year's post, I will think over my resolutions and write them out for the next entry. I'll talk more about tonight, too.
Right now I'm just a bit confused.
Also frustrated.
Olivia
PS. Watch. Adore.
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