To one specific, important life.

This is for you, and you know who you are because I just finished talking to you, and I wish you knew how much of an impact it has made on me. And I know you read this blog, or you still did last time we mentioned it in conversation.

I'm sorry.

I wish I had known earlier. I wish you had felt you could trust me with this information sooner, and I'm sorry we drifted apart for a while. I wish I could have suffered for you.

I feel selfish when I fret over my own comparatively miniscule problems. And I feel even more selfish for all of these I-statements I'm making right now.

I wish I could help.

I know that there is nothing I can really do, practically, and because of this I choose to delude myself into thinking that offering my emotional support is enough.

I want to believe that rationality is enough to keep you around, and I know that this is not necessarily true.

I love all of my friends. You are no exception.

And because I am stubborn and do not like airing my emotions in the open, you have never really known how much you helped me, years ago, when I desperately needed a friend.

(You helped a lot.)

I cannot possibly fathom what you feel. If it was anything of smaller magnitude.. But it's not. I only know that I feel powerless.

Times like these, I wish I could pray. I wish I could believe that a higher something could fix a person's problems. I know it can't.

I hope this helps, if only by a fraction of a degree. I hope you take this to heart.

I wish I could do more.

Olivia

There are two hopefully-more-in-depth-and-intellectual posts coming soon; actually, they've both been in the works for at least two months, and for some reason I keep expanding on them and editing and delaying and I'm really not sure why; remember when I used to post daily, uncensored?

But right now there's just something I have to say, because I'm afraid I'll forget what I'm feeling right now. (This sounds stupid already.)

I'm going to keep it vague: I'm confused and I'm really not sure what's happening, and for what seems like the first time I literally do not have anyone I'd feel comfortable talking with about this particular matter. Sure, it's not like I've ever been the most social (although that's changed for the better lately; I love my friends), but there's always been at least one person who could..help, if only by listening. And if it was any other situation, I wouldn't hesitate. But this.. This is just strange. And not even necessarily in a bad way. But it feels too much like a familiar pattern - far too familiar. I don't know how to deal with myself.

In a week I will likely be less attached to this and I will be able to push it away. Right now.. It's just throwing me off a little.

Olivia