And I am still tired?

So last-last night I had a little more than an hour of sleep because I procrastinated my VFX homework for too long. I was alert through that class yesterday, then alternated between napping and waking in history of animation, and came back to my room and tumbled into bed for a nap. Woke up at one in the morning, stayed up until three, woke up again at eleven.

Man I should not do this again. Note to self: Keep the fucking sleep schedule relatively intact.

Someday I would like to know why my mind works the way it does.

So basically every time I talk to my parents, I find more reason to feel bad about myself. The funny thing is, it's always when they're trying to help me make myself better. Every conversation with them is about me, about how I can work harder and how they believe that I can reach my goals and sharing experiences with lessons that will help me out and whatever else; for some reason I can only get internally frustrated and grit my teeth and beat myself up and wonder why I do anything at all. I think they think too much of me.

They're so goddamned supportive. What do I have to get upset about?

Olivia

PS. Hm. Funny how a short and silly and stupid conversation with you sends me from tears to happy sarcasm. Thanks. My night has gone from bad to better.

I have said this before.

This blog has become little more than self-pity. Sometimes I want to quit writing it, but that would make it just another thing I'd have given up on.

I am doing all I can to force it to be better.

Things about social things.

A friend visited New York this weekend; Hearty, from Ohio, and from the internet. It's weird how all of a sudden, the people with whom I spend the most time are people I met online, and through a friggin children's site no less. They're the easiest people to be around, probably because I've already known them for several years? How pathetic am I, that the majority of my social interaction either occurs online or among friends I met online? Answer: EXTREMELY PATHETIC.

Nonetheless, it was a good weekend. It was a pretty awesome weekend. Still kind of amusing that we call each other by handles instead of real names - except for me I guess, because being known as any name other than Olivia would probably just confuse and irritate me.

Hm I was going to say other things but I don't quite remember what they were. Basically what this boils down to is LOL I AM A FREAK WHO CAN BASICALLY ONLY SOCIALIZE ON THE INTERNET YAY?

...

Lately I've been really emotionally up and down. It's pretty weird. Pretty annoying, too. Like I can be perfectly happy all day and then come back to my room and beat myself up until I want to cry my friggin eyes out, and the whole time there is a detached part of my brain telling me not to be so happy, and then saying that I'm being really unreasonable when I'm not. It's all absurd and I want to stop and I can't. How difficult it is to be blank.

...

When I really like someone I am a huge jerk to them. This is a problem. I've always sabotaged myself in life but really, this is fucken horrible. Why am I mean to my friends WHYYYYYYYY AM I MEAN TO MY FRIENDS I mean it's a sarcastic joking bitchiness but it is still kind of a bitchiness.

...

I am amused.

...

Too much work. Gotta do work. Goodnight.

Olivia

More of the same, today, at least on the work front. I will not complain to you because you have already seen enough of that. Strangely, my day was going perfectly well until my parents called and told me they were worried about me and blah blah stuff; it's like they're psychic or something, but yesterday had not translated into today until that conversation.

That didn't make much sense, the way I wrote it, but that's what happened.

Fffffffff.

Hey guys guess what I'm feeling really lonely today wheeee. Not in an oh-boy-I-have-no-friends way because today I have friends. But. I dunno. More in a WOW I REALLY WANT A GODDAMNED BOYFRIEND way. It is pretty silly and I hate feeling this way because..I'm not sure. I've always wanted to be..above that kind of wanting, if that makes sense. And of course as you know, I'm totally not. But..I just hate it. I wish the feeling would go away.

Blaaaaaaaargh.

...

On top of this, I have not eased into the school year as quickly as I had hoped. And in my Maya class I honestly feel pretty bad about my work right now, because although all I know is animation, basically everyone else has had some experience in modeling / rigging / lighting / whatever, and I feel behind. I know it'll pass with time and work, but in the first couple of weeks..it's just not a good feeling right now, especially compared to the confidence of freshman year. I want to be better than I am, and I want the way to be faster than it is, although I know it can't be so.

OH WELL.

...

The troll arc of Homestuck ended tonight. SOB.

Yeah that's it. Good night.

Olivia

I am being very stupid right now. That's all I have to say about my life at the moment. Hopefully I stop being stupid soon.

Oh my god Olivia way to screw yourself over.

Not really much to say; I just sat in front of my computer screen all day.

God modeling is fun. But also pretty frustrating sometimes. And very time consuming. It's like animating in these ways, I guess. I will show you my chess set tomorrow, when I figure out how to fix some things.

Hang on, the title of this entry is wrong; I went out this afternoon to get some books I need for various classes. I also dropped thirty bucks on a couple of computer art magazines; concept art books and now these are apparently my major monetary weaknesses, but I guess it's better than weed or something. Anyways, I had a chance to flip through one of them while waiting for things to render, and it is pretty cool. I am such a geek for graphic design; I love the direction it's been taking lately, this smooth minimal clever style. So great.

Anyways, still gotta write a five-page story for creative writing. Ughhhh are Ray Carver's stories even that long, that is pretty long. (It's not that long, I'm just whining because we've only read two of this guy's stories and how am I supposed to get a good look at his style from only two, but that's my fault because I could have researched him more on my own or something, but whatever now I'm just procrastinating so I should get to it.)

Goodnight.

Olivia

Blaaaargh I am a bum.

The last few days have been those posts that haven't been posted OOPS. Anyways.

You know how chimps' feet look like hands but longer and with shorter digits? I was just now staring at my hands for a few minutes thinking about how they look like a chimp's feet..

I do not know why.

...

I've been modeling the chess pieces. And by that I mean I procrastinated all weekend and finally made the pawn. Wow Olivia way to go. On the plus side, it was fun. Tomorrow morning I will wake up early and finish them. Yay modeling. Modeling is cool.

...

Yeah I don't have much else to say I've basically just been wasting my weekend..

Olivia

Why am I so tired it is only the second day.

UGH SO TIRED SO TIRED SO TIRED SO TIRED WHY AM I SO TIREDDDDDDDD it's not even five in the afternoon. And I don't even really feel like taking a nap although I guess that is the only option right now.

Had VFX at nine this morning; teacher is Eric Reinfeld. He seems like he'll be a good teacher, although he assigns a shitton of homework, he said it himself. We have to make a reel of sorts this week, thirty seconds about us and our work. Man I'm so boring, I don't know what about me to put in. Then at noon I had History of Animation. Uh..it was fine at first, but it kind of dragged on a bit. Hopefully it will get better though; I know it'll be better than last year's art history. He showed us a bunch of old posters and things from old animated movies, and it made me want to watch them. I guess the advertisements worked? I have been wanting to watch some of these movies but have been too lazy / too busy to actually do it.

I need to go grocery shopping tomorrow. I also need to obtain required textbooks. (Note to self: Ask dad to buy some of them, because he has an Amazon membership with hella discounts and free shipping.)

I'm going to take a nap now and I'm honestly not sure if I'll wake up before tomorrow morning.

Olivia

First day back.

Ugh so tired so tired so tired. The thing that sucks about having class on the west side right after class on the east side is that you have ten minutes for a fifteen minute walk. And I helped Norm move in today. I'm tired.

Anyways, creative writing was..thingie. I dunno. Not sure what I think about the teacher yet. She talks a lot. Ah well.

Computer animation was good. We're modeling. Learned a lot about modeling. Took a lot of notes. He goes really fast.. Homework is to model and stage and light and animate a chess set. Lots of homework.

I bought orange juice but it tastes kind of gross. This is upsetting.

Anyways, that's it, I think. Good night.

Olivia

PS. Is it bad that the only shows I've ever been to / wanted to attend have been related to Amanda Palmer? (They are the only ones I hear about..)

Saw Scott Pilgrim with people and it was good. But for some reason I am feeling down tonight and I don't know why.

Guess it is bedtime.

But thanks, Eric.

Olivia

SAVE ME. (Although that is beside the point of what I'm trying to tell myself in this entry..)

Here are the problems with being a sophomore and living in a single.

(Ah, but Olivia! you cry. You spent a good part of last year whining and moaning that you wished to live alone! Two days after your wish has been granted, you start listing problems? You fickle bitch! Worry not, dear reader. The solitary dorm life is all that I wanted. I only do this because yesterday was such a shock of social happiness, and today is comparatively dead.)

There is nobody to tell you what to do. There are no nervous clusters of freshmen being herded around orientation week by loud upperclassmen - or at least no longer in your world. There are no obnoxious social events, organized so that aforementioned nervous freshmen might meet some people so as not to be alone in a large and terrifying city, to attend. And because I have a single, there is not even someone to talk to.

I was probably better off with the events and the suitemates, even if I do not get along well with social situations. I need to learn how to be the kind of person who can just go out and make friends, instead of sitting nervously inside and hoping that the world will just barge in or go away.

I need buddies. I like to tell myself that I function pretty well as a loner, but sometimes being alone is really terribly boring. I need to contact friends from last year and say LET'S DO SOMETHING LET'S GO SOMEWHERE LET'S JUST HANG OUT instead of twiddling my thumbs and hoping someone else will initiate. I need someone to talk to.

And this is why I can't wait for class to start.

Olivia

It was a good day.

WHOO OKAY here goes the second post-in-a-row wow I'm on a roll this is awesome.

Today was super fun and amazing and definitely one of the best days I've had all summer (which is kind of depressing because there is one more day of summer). Know those two internet-buddies I met up with last..April or something? Well Akky-the-one-who-goes-to-NYU and I both moved back to the city for school yesterday, so we all decided to hang out today. We ended up spending twelve hours together, walking back and forth and bothering roommates and yelling at each other and drinking milkshakes and giggling at street art (and I got an awesome print of a clone trooper action figure holding a sign that says 'CLONE WARS VETERAN PLEASE HELP $ $ $ FORCE BE WITH YOU $ $' and it is awesome) and we ended up going to Duane Reade and buying like eight ridiculous greeting cards for different friends and making packages full of condoms and pregnancy tests and panties (we wrote over all of them with Sharpies and went to like six stores trying to find black lipstick for Izzy-the-one-who-lives-in-Brooklyn to kiss the panties) and we sat in Union Square drawing and writing all over the cards and envelopes for like two hours. And the entire day I had one meal; we got lunch in a diner at four thirty.

And now I am back.

And now
I
AM
TIRED.

I'm going to sleep. Maybe I can get my sleep schedule on a more reasonable track before classes start.

Olivia

ALRIGHT LET'S DO THIS.

Whelp, I'm back at school. (I just said 'whelp'..)

I lucked out with my dorm. One of the singles on the hall is handicap-accessible, and since there's apparently no need for it, I got assigned to it. So my room is slightly larger than I expected. Whoo.

Packing is boring. Unpacking is also pretty boring. Slightly less boring. But that doesn't stop me from putting it off. (In my defense, it is late. It's like one in the morning. And I'm getting up earlyish because I'm seeing people tomorrow whoo back to school means back to having some semblance of a social life. Seriously. I had next to none the entire summer.)

...

I just realized how many entries I wrote without posting.. It is a lot..

Perhaps I will look through them and post them. Perhaps I will let them rot. I dunno, a lot of it is repeat stuff you've seen before with different wording. Apparently I am not a very complex person, because I keep dwelling on the same things over and over.

...

Was thinking about talking about everything that happened this summer, but I am too tired. I will do that tomorrow.

And back to school means back to writing an entry every day. Honestly I kind of have mixed feelings about the way I handled it over the summer; on one hand I'm upset with myself for not sticking to the one-a-day resolution; on the other hand I know that it probably would have been four months of horribly boring barely-there posts. Ah well.

Can't wait for classes to start. On Tuesday I have creative writing workshop and computer animation.

Olivia