Clothes shopping and letter-speaking and other little things.

Hello.

I am seeing friends tomorrow. I like friends. Friends are good.

...

I talked to myself in the car last night. I spoke like I was writing a letter, or leaving a message over the phone. I addressed different people, in monologue. It was interesting, what came out. More pure than my everyday speech.

...

Went clothes shopping. Bought two pairs of guy's sneakers and several guy's sweatshirts. Women's clothes always seem to want to say something. My new clothes say things like 'Hey, I'm blue and have a hood'. They're simple. Simple is nice. And I have monster feet, so it's difficult finding good shoes that fit me in the women's section. Imagine how hellish it would be if I were one of those girls who liked buying shoes.

Also, I hate looking for pants. Motherfuckers at Kohl's don't fucken stock my fucken size. I only found three pairs and they were all ass-ugly. This is why I like shopping online.

Clothes shopping usually ends up making me swear my fucken face off, even if it is only in my head, or quietly to myself in an empty dressing room.

...

My back is slightly better. Still hurts. Makes me kind of sad.

...

I'm really tired and I don't know why. I think it's time for bed.

Good night.

Olivia

OW OW FUCKING OW.

Fucked up my back somehow today. Pulled a muscle or something. Really hurts when I bend it. Tired; sleeping. Good night.

Olivia

People and more people and ink and more people.

Oh hey, today I actually have something for you to read, should you desire.

Friends are cool. It's nice having friends. I am seeing friends tonight and I am seeing other friends tomorrow.

While I am not the most social of people, it makes me happy to feel like I belong.

...

I wonder what kind of person my brother will grow up to be. (I still think of him as my baby brother, even though he's fourteen and a freshman now. Scary shit.) When he's a senior in high school I hope he's respectful and responsible and hardworking and good. I don't want him to get tripped up by teenagers' politics, like I was. I don't want him to lapse into apathy. I want him to be happy.

He's so smart. He has so much potential. I don't want him to get lazy like me, because I was lucky and found a future in the stuff that I love, and my bad grades didn't affect it so much. He's so fucking smart and he has great stuff ahead of him as long as he works for it. I want so badly for him to do well in life. I was lucky.

...

Hey EAA, Flannel-Boy, if you're reading this, this is for you. You may be one of the most intriguing things I've encountered over the internet. Or, to be more clear, it is the fact that I have been able to maintain some sort of connection with you over months after meeting briefly and parting and still keeping in contact, that amazes me. It's funny that most of our interactions have been through Twitter - who says it's a useless site? Sometimes you seem like a better friend than most of those I see every day. Is one's online facade a concentration of one's self, or is outside life a dilution?

I do look forward to meeting you for a second time.

...

One recent hobby of mine - one that was conceived a year ago and dropped and then brought back - is the designing of a tattoo. I am too shy and too afraid of pain to get one, and probably not the right personality type to want a tattoo anyways, but still I know where I want it and what it will be and how large I will have it. I doodle it when I am not busy and when nobody's looking. It is only a small dream of a small drawing, but sometimes the thought of it comforts me. I imagine being the kind of person who would not regret a semblance of permanence in life.

His name is Daedalus, and his wings will be beautiful.

...

One in the morning and back from the movies; went out to dinner with Danielles and then to Sherlock Holmes. We were at the theater an hour before the ten twenty show, and the three of us scampered around yelling and goofing and taking pictures of our shadows. It was the most fun I've had with other people in a while. The movie wasn't bad, either.

Stealing Sarah from her home tomorrow.

To bed (or perhaps not quite yet) for me, for now. I believe I have some things from the past few days to talk about. It will probably happen next post.

Oh hey fun times are tiring,
Olivia

Oh hey I can see again.

So bad at this not-putting-this-off thing. Will write a real post tomorrow; I have all day and nothing happening.

Got my glasses fixed, anyways.

Olivia

Special. Oh boy.

My old drawing-tutor-guy had a thing tonight. I spoke, as well as another of his former students, now a sophomore at RISD for industrial design.

I felt special.

More tomorrow, because I am tired and hungry.

Olivia

Happy possible birthday, Jesus!

Heh, never mind. Just got back from family friends' house for Christmas dinner stuff. I am so full right now. Crazy.

Stuff tomorrow.

Merry Christmas.

Olivia

Home.

Home, which makes me happy. Tired, which makes me..tired. Bed time; talking tomorrow.

Olivia

Today, and home.

Olivia's initial idealized plans for the day: Lab in the morning, class in the afternoon, back to room, pack for home, sleep early.

Olivia's later modified evening plans: Back to room, laze about, watch a movie, sleep early, wait until morning to pack.

Olivia's evening: Back to room, laze about, get back up after realizing that even though it's dark out it's still only eight o'clock, hang around not knowing what to do but not wanting to do particularly anything, watch a movie, hang around some more, bake cookies, hang around some more, talk to The Guy, start packing while talking for lack of anything better to do, finish packing, procrastinate sleeping.

Still not asleep. Uhh. Yeah. Train at eleven tomorrow morning, leaving my room probably at nine thirty.

Gah. I just realized I'm leaving from Penn, not Grand Central. It would have been bad if I hadn't just checked my ticket after doubting myself. "Hm. I'm heading to Grand Central tomorrow. But wait! Last time I took the train, there were subway signs with blue circles, not green. Blue is A C E; green is 4 5 6. But A C E goes to Penn. Hm. I should check.."

Oh, colors. Thank you for being memorable.

...

I'm excited to go home. I miss my Molly. And my parents and my brother. And I'm going to be seeing a lot of people over break. The Guy and my art teachers and my two favorite underclassmen (although one's a senior now, actually) and my old Writers' Club (which has been taken over by one of my favorite underclassmen) and all the people from last year who made my senior year a good experience, unlike the majority of my time in primary schooling.

My mom texted me a picture of Molly yesterday, and I set it as my background. Now my phone is really really distracting..

...

I made gingerbreadcookiethings tonight. (I used the same dough several different ways; hard thin cookies, soft puffy cookies, and slabbish things.) I added like three times the amount of spice the recipe asked for. They're intense and spicy and delicious, although next time I will use less cloves. Cloves are a bit too strong.

Most of the time when I bake it's fine because I just set it on the kitchen table and everything's gone by the next night. But I'm alone in the apartment; everyone left Monday and Tuesday. So I'm taking them home, for a snack on the train and a treat for my family.

Ahhhh my tongue is still kind of spicin' at me, damn those cloves,
Olivia

PS. Oh yeah, remind me to tell you about animation tomorrow. I'm off to sleep now.

Quick update then sleep time.

Wow I am fucken exhausted. Don't know why. Weird shit.

Anyways. My sculpture final is being entered into the end-of-year foundation sculpture exhibition. Awesome sauce. Photos later. Now I'm going to sleep.

AGGHHHH, don't even ask me about my animation right now, I don't want to talk about it,
Olivia

Amanda Fucking Palmer and Neil Gaiman. Also, an update on finals.

Hey look, Cool People.



...

Had the art history final today. I think I did better on the midterm. But I got an A on my final project, so I think I'm set in that class.

My sculpture final project is pretty much done; I'm going to have Professor Baron look at it in the beginning of class tomorrow and give me any suggestions he might have, and then put the finishing touches on. I will post pictures. Eventually. Hurr.

After class tomorrow it's off to the lab for me. Animaaaaation. Oh how I love animation.

...

Today I refilled my Metrocard with eight dollars in my laundry quarters. I'm broke..it's a good thing I'm going home soon.

That's it. Early bedtime so I'm not tired tomorrow. Gotta work gotta work.

Finals are almost over, whoooo!
Olivia

Blargh.

Ugh. Art history final tomorrow. Also, totally not included in anything anymore. I don't know if this is a result of my reverting back to booknerd shut-in, or vice versa. Either way, I'm lonely. Good night.

Olivia

Uninvited, and snow.

I'm not upset you're all going to the movie. I'm not very upset or particularly surprised that you didn't invite me. But it does kind of bother me that you tried to hide it.

Worked today. Walked back to my room on the unshoveled sidewalks. I love snow. I do not love walking in snow and slush.

MoMA tomorrow, to study for the art history final on Monday. Then back to the lab.

Olivia

Quick update and sleeping.

Frustration with Maya but now it has died down. Worked quite a lot today but not as much as I'd hoped, due to file corruption. Tomorrow waking up early, more of the same, with a seeing-Tigg-yay break around noon. Now to sleep; it's fucken cold outside but I am not closing the window. Refuse to give in to a bullying weather god, and anyways it's cozy once I'm under the pile of blankets. Good night.

Olivia

More about girls. Also, this weekend's schedule.

No. I refuse to participate in this calorie-counting, diet-centric conversation. I will only say that your goal of one thousand a day is unhealthy. Then I leave the room.

...

That's all, for the night. Tomorrow I will be in the lab all day (allllll day). Saturday I will be in the lab all day, with a couple hours off around lunchtime to see Sarah-Tigg. Sunday I will be in the lab all day, with a few hours off in the afternoon to go with some classmates to the MoMA in preparation for our Monday art history final.

AGH WEEKEND,
Olivia

Some politics of girldom, some group bonding activities of men. Also some cookies.

Oh hey.

My three suitemates just spent the last ten minutes complaining about their bodies. Now they're looking at themselves in each mirror in the apartment. I feel like I'm in Meangirls.

They're all beautiful. This kind of social behavior irks me. Sometimes I just want to shake them and yell at them for being dissatisfied with their looks. I don't have anything going for me and these conversations make me feel awkward - I avoid them for a reason - because if I start listing the reasons why my body is not good enough by society's standards..I will end up with quite a list.

Sometimes girls just suck.

I am not pretty, we will say. Just tonight, even, some jackasses smoking outside a club made obviously false advances towards me as I walked by. And a year ago a couple of teenaged douchebags drove past me while I was walking to the library and yelled 'hey skinny!' out the window. Things like this make me extremely angry with the world, not because it's happening to me, but because people think it's okay to act like this towards others. I am almost glad it was directed at me in these instances, and not some other girl, because I can take this crap without feeling personal insult* - I know with this attitude bad things will happen to them later in life. It's not karma. It's just a lack of maturity and social awareness that will ultimately screw them over.

Sometimes people just suck.

...

Other than that, though, today was a pretty good day. I had some forced relaxation time; the computer labs were all full or reserved for seniors, so I worked on my sculpture homework for tomorrow and came back to my room and baked cookies. Baking is therapeutic for me - I like making cookies and things from recipes that seem interesting, and then eating like one, and leaving the rest for others. The success of the act of baking is more important to me than the eating of the products.

...

He calls me 'dear' more often recently. It is a jokingly condescending thing we do to each other but it sounds sweet from him. It just sounds like a good word, when he says it.

Old people call me 'dear', occasionally. Nobody else.

I really like him..

...

It is one thirty. I will probably go to sleep early. At two. Hurr.

Wow, one almost stress-less evening. I'm impressed,
Olivia

(* I am usually thick-skinned enough to handle these occurances, and always so as they are happening. But later, when I'm alone and nobody can see me, I get upset. Angry with them for being tools and disappointed in myself for ignoring them instead of flipping them off. Retaliation would probably give them a sense of achievement, though, so I keep emotions to myself.)

Mirrors.

Internet! I don't really have time for you but I guess I'll make some time.

Dear lord, why is this girl always looking at herself in mirrors? She's pretty but she really needs to stop. It gets on my nerves. It makes me feel insecure and ugly and spiteful.

I avoid mirrors. They make it too easy to focus on my physical flaws. And sometimes when I see myself staring back, I am afraid. There is something eerie about mirrors. And most of the time I don't look like I feel.

I'm still kind of fascinated by them as a concept, though. Through the Looking Glass, indeed. Parallel worlds in which everybody is represented by their ghosts. Mine stares me down hard every time I look at her. I can't decide whether she's more confident than me or more lost. I think maybe I will have to write something about mirrors some time. I started a story once, but it didn't really go anywhere.

...

Yeah. That's it. It's nearly three in the morning and I am sleepy and still have some drawing to do. Good night.

Olivia

Imaging final. Part of it, at least. New website in the making. Sleep now.

Lol. The most frustrating part is that this wasn't even required. We just needed a layout by design standpoint. It didn't necessarily have to work. But nooo. "I'm going to be using it as my website anyways, I might as well get the coding done while I'm at it." Ugh. I finished the design hours ago. The coding..well, I'm up at this hour doing unnecessary things. Sabina better be impressed.

The layout doesn't even look that great. Well, I dunno. It's simple, at any rate. Maybe simple is good. I personally quite like simple. We'll see in critique tomorrow. Here it is. (Only the 'About' link actually goes to a different page. And there is no content yet. I'll work on it more over break.)

I can't believe tomorrow is the last day of my imaging class. Wednesday is the last day of drawing for the semester, true, but we have TM again after winter break for Drawing II.

Finished my homework at four thirty. Augh. Good night.

Is dying from finals for the first time in her life (all through high school she couldn't care less, but now it's actually important),
Olivia

Ahhh what have I gotten myself into.

Ahurr. Thirty-two hours in the lab this weekend. At this rate it will take me eighty more hours to finish. Time to keel over and die.

Gotta go in early tomorrow too, before art history. It's a good thing I like this stuff. I am intensely proud of what I have so far.

Blughagh.

Olivia

Oops.

Another day in the lab. Another few hundred frames. A thousand done, four thousand to go. AUUUGH. It's a good thing I like this stuff.

Seeing my mom tomorrow. She was in Pennsylvania for a business trip, and decided to stop by on her way back. Having lunch with her and grocery shopping in Chinatown, then she goes back home. Then I am off to the lab again. Until they kick me out. Again.

Maybe I'll have time some time this week to write an actual entry. Maybe. We can hope. But you know, I guess this is finals for you. I definitely wasn't like this in high school, hurr. "Finals? Fuck it, that means I'm almost done, so I might as well keep slacking and hanging onto my B / C with the least amount of effort possible." I could have had a fucking stellar GPA if I had actually cared..

Actually cares about her grades now holy shit,
Olivia

PS. If you want actual-blog-content tonight, settle for this. Look at their funny hair and listen to the Meaningful Lyrics that always accompany the Soulful Power Ballad. (Yeah yeah, I found this song through Glee, the Morrison and Chenoweth duet. I know I shouldn't like that show on principle - I am not a teen drama fan - but it's cute and they don't take themselves omgseriously, which is good. I like the music. Lea Michele is a fucking fantastic singer.)



I like their hair. Everyone should wear their hair like this. My days would be consistently brighter. (Come to think of it, New York City probably has people walking around with this kind of hair. I should go looking for them.)

Yeah. I totally only posted that video because I want other people to get a kick out of their hair.

Hair.

Lol.

Okay good night.

La-la-la-lab.

Heh. So. I spent the entire day in the lab. No, seriously. Got up and went in at nine. Animated until one fifteen, took a lunch break. Back upstairs at two for class. Class was all work time. Fifteen minute break at four for a snack. Class ended at seven, but I stayed until they kicked me out at twelve forty. Got back to my room at one. Ate dinner. Dozed off. Woke up to write this.

I feel like most of my blog entries for the next week-and-a-half are going to be cop-outs. Sorry. That's the end of semester for you, I guess.

(I love animating. It's one of the greatest things ever.)

Actually planning on a productive weekend, for once,
Olivia

WORK. At least the weekend comes after tomorrow.

Hurr hurr shitloads of animation hurr. Finals aren't gonna kill me; I'm gonna kill myself with my finals. Papercutting my wrists with toned bristol? Brad nail gun to the neck? Hanging by computer mouse cord? We'll see.

(I love this school.)

Olivia

BLAAHHHH.

Oops sorry. Said I wouldn't do this again but I really need to get some sleep tonight. Only had a few hours last night. Friday's schedule is more lenient on me in the mornings, so I won't have an excuse tomorrow night.

AUGH I SUCK,
Olivia

WORK WORK.

Augh augh augh sorry no blog today I have too much to do for my drawing homework augh. I hope I get some sleep tonight. Or maybe it would be smarter to just pull an all-nighter and nap tomorrow? (You're right, that's not smart at all.) I badly badly need either caffeine or..something to make me draw a hundred times faster.

Tomorrow will be better. Sorry.

AUGH,
Olivia

Huhblugh.

Holy fuck I'm supposed to be in bed. Three thirty now and I need to get up early. Baugh. I'll say stuff at you tomorrow.

Ahhhhhhh why am I not sleeping yet, oh yeah I just finished my homework that's why,
Olivia

Winter funtimes, baking, romance, and a fuck you.

Internet! I love you. You help me procrastinate. (It is an unhealthy relationship but a satisfying one.)

Today I worked on homework and I started in on making holiday gifts. I am polling my friends on their favorite Disney / Pixar / whatever animated characters, and making them in tiny clay form. Starting off with the girls in the suite - Jen, Brooke, Sarah; respectively, Prince Naveen (in frog form; I didn't actually ask Jen what she wanted but she's a traditional animation major who aspires to work at Disney, and she saw The Princess and the Frog at an early screening and adores it, so I decided to go with him for hers), Stitch, and Nemo. Jen made a cute little fireplace out of a cardboard box last weekend, with painted pink and green and purple and blue bricks and a stocking for each of us labeled with our name and tacked into place. People have been dropping candy and things into the stockings all week.

It's candy cane season, which is the greatest season in the year. While some girls are obsessed with chocolate, I find mint to be my weakness. Peppermint mochas are back at Starbucks, whoo! Hot chocolate, too, that's a good thing about winter.

And my window is still open all the time. I wake up freezing and love it.

Winterrrr.

...

I made cookies last night; I found this great recipe for weird little ginger-and-chocolate cookies from a site to which I subscribe. The recipe made like fifty-five cookies, and tonight there are four left sitting on the plate in the kitchen. I guess that means this one's a success.

I really like baking. I like finding new recipes that sound yummy and trying them out. I don't do it enough; I need to bake more, it's fantastic for stress relief.

...

You know, that's pretty damned insensitive of you. I know that the foundation sculpture show at the end of the year is judged by the fine art department, and I am not as forward-thinking-weird-modern-artist-minded as the fine arts majors - and frankly, I think it's a good thing that I'm not, because I wouldn't be getting ahead in my career if I were - but I'd like to think I have some chance of impressing. I've barely started my project but I am confident in it, more so than I have been for most of the classwork I've been doing all semester, and my professor knows, even without having seen the finished product, that mine is one he will want to enter into the show. I was actually feeling pretty good until you said to me nonchalantly, "You're not going to win, you know. Last year's winner was a pile of glass bottles glued together." I know I am not going to win. It has been ingrained into my mind almost my entire life that I am not a winner, but that's why I keep pushing myself harder and harder. It makes the victories that much sweeter. Here you are sitting on the side, taking the lazy way out of everything and giving up quickly, and then turning your eyes to me and telling me that I can't make it. What? Are you doing this to reassure yourself that you're not the only loser? Grow the fuck up.

...

Although it goes against my logic and my will, I am a hopeless romantic. While I am quick to scoff at sappy love stories, I wish one would happen to me.

...

I wish I wish I wish I wish.

Good night.

I am off to find a candy cane just as soon as I've published this post, 'tis the season for peppermint-induced cavities,
Olivia

Flight, part two.

So, now it seems I am in the mood to pick up what I started some days ago.

I wish I could fly and falling is one of my greatest fears. It's strange, isn't it? I guess flying is kind of a metaphor for my goals in life, anyways. As I sometimes say when I'm in the mood to say it, I strive to be awesome. Being awesome is my priority and my directive. It's why I'm always tearing myself down; so I can pick out the bits that need work and build myself back up. And I guess that's also the fear of falling in there - I crave perfection and I am horrified of failure. Failure is one of the worst feelings in the world.

I don't know what it is, but roller coasters are exhilarating. They're the only things that can take away my inhibitions; everything else makes me throw my shields up. I never want to be drunk or high or under any kind of unnatural influence - I don't like losing control. But the flying and falling of a roller coaster makes me giddy. It's adrenaline, I know, but I also know that I would not jump out of a plane or off of a bridge for the same feeling, tethered or parachuted or not. Heights are terrifying, but I think that's because of the splat that comes after.

You know those flying dreams people have? I've never had one. My dreams are always random and fucked up and strange. If I have flown in a dream, I can't remember. I wish I could. Because how often have I found myself imagining just soaring over the crowds and the traffic and the lines and the mayhem of streets and hallways and life?

Now it is four in the morning and I am off to sleep. More later. Because if you can't tell..I really like talking about flying. It's something I noticed about myself recently. Good night. <3

Whoops. Heh.

I feel like everyone's talking about dreams, lately.

...

Whoa I started that and now it seems it's three in the morning. Sleep time. Talk tomorrow. I prooomise I'll actually be interesting tomorrow.

Doesn't pay attention to time until it's too late,
Olivia

Hibernation.

Yeah, so.

It seems the early sunsets are sending me into hibernation; what else explains my new sleeping patterns? It seems I'm always exhausted. Then again, it might just be that the work schedule is finally catching up to me. (Somehow, though, I don't think this is the case.)

What I am really trying to say: OH MY GOSH WHY AM I SO TIREDDDD.

It is ten thirty and bedtime; WEIRD SHIT,
Olivia

Yeah..

"Please talk to me eventually some time tonight. I have to mope and I would rather not do it by myself because that makes me feel alone." It may be pathetic, but even though I spent the years between fifth and tenth grade quietly complaining to myself in my room at night, now that I have people I feel I can trust with my feelings, I just can't do that anymore. It has become a situation with two options: Hold it all in until I can't anymore and then just ramble on to someone (Christine or Reggie or, recently, The Guy) until I feel better or the someone distracts me and makes me feel silly for ever disliking my life, or Hold it all in until I've passed the can't-anymore line and then fall apart one day under the strain of hating myself, and then ramble on to someone until I feel better.

I can't take it. I don't know why any enjoyment I get out of life is fleeting at best. There are some things that make me very very happy and then the rest of everything just overshadows those, and they go away. My life is statistically better than a lot of people's, I feel; I love my family, they support me, I'm at a good school learning things that will help me reach my goals for the future, I'm reasonably skilled for the path I'm taking. I shouldn't be disappointed in myself or my situation. But every so often I crumble for a day, and walk around on the brink of tears, and no, it's not PMS, it's just life. I can't even cry it out because I have too much fucking pride, which is why it's the worst feeling in the world to fall to pieces in front of somebody, but at least I have the composure to hold it in until there's someone I can trust.

...

I sometimes wonder: Do I dislike myself because other people don't like or care about me, or do other people not like or care about me because I don't seem to like myself?

Why can't I be social and happy? I mean, I am sometimes, but at the end of the day it feels false.

...

Fuck. Flight part two will have to wait. Tomorrow I may be in a more poetic mindset. I think I just need to go to bed and not cry.

Olivia

Flight, part one.

Should not be typing; should be doing drawing homework.

Flight versus invisibility: I usually say I can't choose between the two, but I daydream all the time about stretching out a pair of huge feathered wings and launching myself out of my mundane life. I think since I try to be or feel invisible all the time, I cling to that side as well. I wish that it was a true invisibility, so I could live without bounds, without ties, without a real life.

But flight! My favorite Greek myth is that of Icarus, who flew too high and whose makeshift wings burned and melted in the sun. Sure, there's a plummet, but the important part is the soar.

Will have a continue tomorrow; I left this mid-sentence like five hours ago; now it's three, I am doing a shit job with my drawing homework, I won't be able to finish today. Ahhhh.

Sorry,
Olivia