I haven't been posting nearly enough. I start to write things, and they either sound too melodramatic or too stupid, and so I don't ever post them. This is getting a little bit ridiculous; I am just giving myself reason to think about all the things I don't like about myself. Not like I want to stop writing the blog, though. That would be giving up, and also it would just be kind of silly. I predict I will be back to the one-post-a-day format when I get back to school. More to do besides going to work and coming home and lazing about; people to think about who are not me.
Maybe instead of thinking in my posts, I should just talk about my day, and be cheerful. That would probably work.
...
I bought some new clothes online and they just arrived. Black sweatshirt. Black shirt. Grey shirt. Different-shade-of-grey shirt. Dark jeans. I'm sensing a pattern.
I don't know whether I do this because I think bright-colored clothing looks silly, or whether I am too - uh, whatever the word is for me - to wear it.
The good things about shopping online: They always stock my size. And I don't have to go to the store; I detest clothes-shopping out in the open. (The internet is going to turn me into a hermit.)
...
Bluh.
Olivia
Friday, August 20, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
It's not better yet.
Sometimes I look back at old posts and marvel and how stupid I sound.
Actually, that's basically my outlook on life. Peering over my shoulder and wondering when I'm going to grow up.
Olivia
Actually, that's basically my outlook on life. Peering over my shoulder and wondering when I'm going to grow up.
Olivia
Yeah! Yeah! So intense!
Tonight instead of a thought-filled post I present this to you and urge you once again to read Homestuck if you haven't gotten into it already because it is magical and amazing. Or just start with Act 5 (Hivebent) because, being a tangent from the rest of the story, it can more or less stand alone (although some of the jokes would be best appreciated with full knowledge of Homestuck). And it's fucking hilarious.
MSPA IS..AWESOME.
Olivia
PS. Also if you don't know the Double Rainbow video from which the song comes, what do you even do on the internet?
MSPA IS..AWESOME.
Olivia
PS. Also if you don't know the Double Rainbow video from which the song comes, what do you even do on the internet?
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Whoo let's talk about friends.
I seem to enjoy sabotaging and tormenting myself. This week, every single day of this week, I have been dwelling on things that I really don't enjoy thinking about.
...
Sometimes I wonder whether my relationships have all fallen flat because of the way I act, or whether I act the way I do because my relationships have all fallen flat.
I had lots of friends up until I was eight. Especially this one girl who lived one house away from me. We'd just run over to the other's home whenever we wanted to hang out. We were BFFs-forever. Things were simple. Then my family moved out here, and we kept in touch for a while; she even came to visit the first summer.. She got homesick and cut her trip short. Last time I saw her. And communications dwindled to nothing.
I moved in the middle of fourth grade, into a temporary apartment. I remember, it was the week of Valentine's Day, because everyone had made those construction-paper-pockets to hold valentines, and the teacher hastily made one for me. The kids acknowledged my presence but I wasn't exactly friends with them. All but one. Then on the last day of school, after I got home, we moved into our new house. It was in a different area of the school district, and I was transferred to another elementary school. I lost touch with that girl after a while as well, although not before she found opportunity to tell me that nobody else in that class had really liked me. That was at my birthday party.
In fifth grade everyone knew each other. I was taken in by a couple of girls who fulfilled the unpopular-bitches quota of the class. I called them friends, but most of the time I couldn't stand them. They were..extremely bitchy, even to each other, and they'd apparently been best friends for a while. (Granted, it was in that passive-aggressive-bullshit way that girls are to each other.) But they were basically the only ones in the class who would talk to me with any sincerity; at least, they were the only ones who created the impression of accepting me. At the end of the year, one of them moved away, and another would be going to a different middle school. This was a relief, frankly, but again I was friendless.
Met a girl first day of middle school. (Actually, I met her in a summer program, but I did not remember her. She remembered me, though.) She had gone to my elementary school the previous year, but I hadn't known her. We had a little group of friends that year, a few other girls. Then in seventh grade it was basically just us; towards the end of the year we became good friends with a guy. In eighth grade it was the three of us.
He went off to some private Jewish high school, and she and I moved up to the public high school. They started dating, and we remained friends for a while, but then he basically friend-dumped me because he said I was being a bitch (and I'm sure I was; I tend to abuse the people I'm closest to, and I don't know why), and then he broke up with her for several reasons but mainly because he was a dickhead. I wrote him a letter from camp trying to make amends, but he called me up and told me that he hadn't even read it.. Whether true or not, it kind of killed me a bit. So there went that friendship. And throughout most of high school she hung out with her drama guild friends and I hung out with the people who for some reason enjoyed my company but who were mainly weeaboos and stuff, and I don't know why they liked me, but they apparently did. Probably because I sat near them and inserted my sarcasm into their conversations. And in my senior year I made a few good friends, too, but for the most part none of them outside of school. A fantastic writer, some artists, a geek.
Through all of this, I made friends at camp. And I got on better with them than most other people. And most of them are still friends.
And then I graduated, and moved on to college. And I got along with my roommates well enough for a few months, and then it started falling apart; this was probably the fault of all of us. Though it was only a problem for me, since they all still love each other. And I had good relationships with all of my classmates, but only in class. And I met some awesome cartoonists who are probably the coolest people I have ever met, but I never quite felt right with them because they are so much more awesome than me. (Of course, if I were looking for people like me, it would be a group of self-hating mediocre artist-types who pretend to be happy, and that would not be much fun..) And I held on to the friends I'd made the year before, and was in almost-daily contact with one of them. So though the roommate situation was not so great, it was nevertheless a pretty good year. Probably the best year I've had since before I moved the first time.
And this summer I have seen people on a very limited number of occasions, all occurring in the first month of my vacation. The summer is turning out to be like all the others before it. Other than work, I have been sitting around at home and thinking about the kind of person I am. It all comes up shitty. And I wonder why I have friends. I wonder why people like me, or seem to. This is a question that plagues me regularly.
I want to keep the friendships I have right now. I have no idea how. I feel like I have some kind of time-bomb attached to each of my relationships, and that when the few years run out I will do something stupid and I will lose people again. I am not good at making friends. I am not a good friend. When people treat me badly I feel like I deserve it, and when they are good to me I feel like I don't. I am a bitch. The question is, to whom am I the bigger bitch? Others, or myself?
I wish I was a better person. I try to be but I don't seem to know how to make this happen.
I wish life were like it was before. It was so easy to be friends with the world when the world consisted of a cul-de-sac full of children and neat little houses and neat little yards and a park and a pond and block parties.
I wish I was a better person.
...
Today was a good day. I animated, and we had some family friends over and had a barbecue, and Max and his friend and I watched Mean Girls and commented on how true-to-life it really is.
Olivia
...
Sometimes I wonder whether my relationships have all fallen flat because of the way I act, or whether I act the way I do because my relationships have all fallen flat.
I had lots of friends up until I was eight. Especially this one girl who lived one house away from me. We'd just run over to the other's home whenever we wanted to hang out. We were BFFs-forever. Things were simple. Then my family moved out here, and we kept in touch for a while; she even came to visit the first summer.. She got homesick and cut her trip short. Last time I saw her. And communications dwindled to nothing.
I moved in the middle of fourth grade, into a temporary apartment. I remember, it was the week of Valentine's Day, because everyone had made those construction-paper-pockets to hold valentines, and the teacher hastily made one for me. The kids acknowledged my presence but I wasn't exactly friends with them. All but one. Then on the last day of school, after I got home, we moved into our new house. It was in a different area of the school district, and I was transferred to another elementary school. I lost touch with that girl after a while as well, although not before she found opportunity to tell me that nobody else in that class had really liked me. That was at my birthday party.
In fifth grade everyone knew each other. I was taken in by a couple of girls who fulfilled the unpopular-bitches quota of the class. I called them friends, but most of the time I couldn't stand them. They were..extremely bitchy, even to each other, and they'd apparently been best friends for a while. (Granted, it was in that passive-aggressive-bullshit way that girls are to each other.) But they were basically the only ones in the class who would talk to me with any sincerity; at least, they were the only ones who created the impression of accepting me. At the end of the year, one of them moved away, and another would be going to a different middle school. This was a relief, frankly, but again I was friendless.
Met a girl first day of middle school. (Actually, I met her in a summer program, but I did not remember her. She remembered me, though.) She had gone to my elementary school the previous year, but I hadn't known her. We had a little group of friends that year, a few other girls. Then in seventh grade it was basically just us; towards the end of the year we became good friends with a guy. In eighth grade it was the three of us.
He went off to some private Jewish high school, and she and I moved up to the public high school. They started dating, and we remained friends for a while, but then he basically friend-dumped me because he said I was being a bitch (and I'm sure I was; I tend to abuse the people I'm closest to, and I don't know why), and then he broke up with her for several reasons but mainly because he was a dickhead. I wrote him a letter from camp trying to make amends, but he called me up and told me that he hadn't even read it.. Whether true or not, it kind of killed me a bit. So there went that friendship. And throughout most of high school she hung out with her drama guild friends and I hung out with the people who for some reason enjoyed my company but who were mainly weeaboos and stuff, and I don't know why they liked me, but they apparently did. Probably because I sat near them and inserted my sarcasm into their conversations. And in my senior year I made a few good friends, too, but for the most part none of them outside of school. A fantastic writer, some artists, a geek.
Through all of this, I made friends at camp. And I got on better with them than most other people. And most of them are still friends.
And then I graduated, and moved on to college. And I got along with my roommates well enough for a few months, and then it started falling apart; this was probably the fault of all of us. Though it was only a problem for me, since they all still love each other. And I had good relationships with all of my classmates, but only in class. And I met some awesome cartoonists who are probably the coolest people I have ever met, but I never quite felt right with them because they are so much more awesome than me. (Of course, if I were looking for people like me, it would be a group of self-hating mediocre artist-types who pretend to be happy, and that would not be much fun..) And I held on to the friends I'd made the year before, and was in almost-daily contact with one of them. So though the roommate situation was not so great, it was nevertheless a pretty good year. Probably the best year I've had since before I moved the first time.
And this summer I have seen people on a very limited number of occasions, all occurring in the first month of my vacation. The summer is turning out to be like all the others before it. Other than work, I have been sitting around at home and thinking about the kind of person I am. It all comes up shitty. And I wonder why I have friends. I wonder why people like me, or seem to. This is a question that plagues me regularly.
I want to keep the friendships I have right now. I have no idea how. I feel like I have some kind of time-bomb attached to each of my relationships, and that when the few years run out I will do something stupid and I will lose people again. I am not good at making friends. I am not a good friend. When people treat me badly I feel like I deserve it, and when they are good to me I feel like I don't. I am a bitch. The question is, to whom am I the bigger bitch? Others, or myself?
I wish I was a better person. I try to be but I don't seem to know how to make this happen.
I wish life were like it was before. It was so easy to be friends with the world when the world consisted of a cul-de-sac full of children and neat little houses and neat little yards and a park and a pond and block parties.
I wish I was a better person.
...
Today was a good day. I animated, and we had some family friends over and had a barbecue, and Max and his friend and I watched Mean Girls and commented on how true-to-life it really is.
Olivia
Friday, August 6, 2010
The thing about good dreams.
I hate having good dreams. Because most of the time my dreams are just really weird and messed up and I can deal with that and sometimes they're amusing, but occasionally my subconscious gives me something I actually really want to happen, and then I wake up and it's like LOL NO.
And those are always the ones I remember the clearest.
This dream has been haunting me all day, and it's a really really good dream. Like, genuinely happy. Whenever I'm not doing something it ends up taking up brain-space again and I want it to stop. It makes me happy and then I realize that really all I'm doing is lying to myself, and that makes me unhappy again. I'm so ridiculous.
I'd really rather not have good dreams, honestly. I'd really rather just have strange and meaningless ones. They are less of a let-down, because at least when I wake up I can just laugh at myself, instead of wanting to punch myself.
Dreams probably bother me more than they should. But I just wish I wouldn't torment myself with this-could-be-your-life. It's bad enough when I do it consciously, imagining what would happen if I were different or if I had or hadn't done certain things; when I play it out while I'm asleep, it just kind of makes it worse.
...
I love getting mail. There's something that's just nice about getting an envelope without a window or a printed-out label on the front. This week I have gotten lots of mail. One of my internet-buddy-people sent me a letter (actually, she wrote it about a year ago, and just found it while cleaning her room, and then her mom saw it already addressed and stamped and everything so she mailed it out), and Eric sent me his mini-comic (which is awesome), and another internet-buddy-person is going to send me a postcard from her vacation, and another internet-buddy-person is going to send me strange flavors of lip balm (long story), and I am writing letters.
...
On another note, I realize that during this past week I've developed the bad habit of writing a few paragraphs of a blog entry and then not posting it. So um..I'll do that.
Olivia
And those are always the ones I remember the clearest.
This dream has been haunting me all day, and it's a really really good dream. Like, genuinely happy. Whenever I'm not doing something it ends up taking up brain-space again and I want it to stop. It makes me happy and then I realize that really all I'm doing is lying to myself, and that makes me unhappy again. I'm so ridiculous.
I'd really rather not have good dreams, honestly. I'd really rather just have strange and meaningless ones. They are less of a let-down, because at least when I wake up I can just laugh at myself, instead of wanting to punch myself.
Dreams probably bother me more than they should. But I just wish I wouldn't torment myself with this-could-be-your-life. It's bad enough when I do it consciously, imagining what would happen if I were different or if I had or hadn't done certain things; when I play it out while I'm asleep, it just kind of makes it worse.
...
I love getting mail. There's something that's just nice about getting an envelope without a window or a printed-out label on the front. This week I have gotten lots of mail. One of my internet-buddy-people sent me a letter (actually, she wrote it about a year ago, and just found it while cleaning her room, and then her mom saw it already addressed and stamped and everything so she mailed it out), and Eric sent me his mini-comic (which is awesome), and another internet-buddy-person is going to send me a postcard from her vacation, and another internet-buddy-person is going to send me strange flavors of lip balm (long story), and I am writing letters.
...
On another note, I realize that during this past week I've developed the bad habit of writing a few paragraphs of a blog entry and then not posting it. So um..I'll do that.
Olivia
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Oh the joys of the internet.
Okay so. A few weeks ago I joined a roleplaying group on deviantArt, because as we've already established, I'm a huge dork. It's set in this fantasy world and blah blah. Now, I suppose I am rather a snob about writing-things, because a lot of the more active characters are really ridiculous. Mind you, these are almost all teenage girls doing this. So a whole lot of really stereotypical fantasy girls. I swear there's like at least five pet wolves. And not only are the characters pretty uninteresting, but the way they roleplay is just..argh.. Everyone has their own agenda, which is fine, but they don't have much in the ways of interaction. Everyone is so predictable. And each post is so goddamn long, because even if they only say one sentence aloud, or something, they have to go through at least a whole paragraph of inner monologue to get to it. Everything is so dramatic. Honestly, I'm not sure why I'm still a part of it. Probably hoping there are some more interesting people off in the wings - the only super-active people have the most annoying characters - and I'll be able to do interesting things with them.
One of my friends joined to troll; her character is almost seven feet tall and basically a Lovecraftian monster underneath his many layers of purposefully-ridiculous clothing. He has four pairs of horns. I was once stuck in a really really boring situation with two other characters - I swear, the girl who opened was walking herself to death in her intro, and then me and the other person came along and put her on the other person's horse and had AN HOUR OF SMALL TALK AND WALKING TOWARDS A NEARBY CITY, and I kept trying to inject strange bits of conversation but they basically didn't notice at all and kept having their paragraphs and paragraphs of inner monologue - so she swooped in to save me, and had her character walk out of the bushes and greet my character, who knows him, and the other two's reactions to him were hilariously dumb. Basically just "-waits to see her reaction to make sure he's a good person-". And of course she said hello rather cheerfully and they relaxed, even though they'd only known her about five to ten in-character minutes, and all they knew about her was that she'd recently gotten her throat slit in a bar fight (which they'd casually waved off), and HE LOOKS RATHER SCARY. So off in IM we were both just headdesking the whole time.
My friends and I, who all joined thinking it would be fun and quickly realized that all the active members kind of suck, have been making a sport of logging on to watch the roleplay happenings and making fun of them. A few jewels: A character having sex with another character and then, the next morning, feeling relieved because she had been wearing her lucky contraceptive bracelet what the fuck; the same character (or rather, her player) getting upset that a sexist guy had ignored her challenge to fight and going off for a couple of days ('four months', by her count, though it confused everyone because they were running on a closer-to-real-time calendar) and changing her character completely, from name to appearance to personality to abilities, chalking it all up to the character's experiences of dying after touching a wolf statue and being brought back to life but now soulbound to the wolf-statue-demon-thing and we don't even really know; anything that involves that one stick-skinny chick who was practically in love with the douchebag (until he got a girlfriend) because, we think, her player went through all the characters and decided that he would make the best love interest (the douchebag is played by one of my friends, and apparently the skinny chick had been stalking her - or her character - for a while, because of this fascination with the character as a potential boyfriend); any time the clique of regulars roleplays, because everything between them is so goddamn dramatic.
I really shouldn't be complaining. I accidentally made a female alien Aladdin character for a DnD campaign. (Stfu she is cooler than Aladdin.) Also, my character for this group on dA is basically a version of me who does not have my inhibitions and self-esteem issues, and despite having a shittier past than me is much happier. Also she can make fire. Talk about living through fiction.
Okay done with my geek-rant (for now).
(I'm pretty sure I was trying to make a point somewhere in here, but I seem to have lost it along the way. Ignore this post.)
Olivia
One of my friends joined to troll; her character is almost seven feet tall and basically a Lovecraftian monster underneath his many layers of purposefully-ridiculous clothing. He has four pairs of horns. I was once stuck in a really really boring situation with two other characters - I swear, the girl who opened was walking herself to death in her intro, and then me and the other person came along and put her on the other person's horse and had AN HOUR OF SMALL TALK AND WALKING TOWARDS A NEARBY CITY, and I kept trying to inject strange bits of conversation but they basically didn't notice at all and kept having their paragraphs and paragraphs of inner monologue - so she swooped in to save me, and had her character walk out of the bushes and greet my character, who knows him, and the other two's reactions to him were hilariously dumb. Basically just "-waits to see her reaction to make sure he's a good person-". And of course she said hello rather cheerfully and they relaxed, even though they'd only known her about five to ten in-character minutes, and all they knew about her was that she'd recently gotten her throat slit in a bar fight (which they'd casually waved off), and HE LOOKS RATHER SCARY. So off in IM we were both just headdesking the whole time.
My friends and I, who all joined thinking it would be fun and quickly realized that all the active members kind of suck, have been making a sport of logging on to watch the roleplay happenings and making fun of them. A few jewels: A character having sex with another character and then, the next morning, feeling relieved because she had been wearing her lucky contraceptive bracelet what the fuck; the same character (or rather, her player) getting upset that a sexist guy had ignored her challenge to fight and going off for a couple of days ('four months', by her count, though it confused everyone because they were running on a closer-to-real-time calendar) and changing her character completely, from name to appearance to personality to abilities, chalking it all up to the character's experiences of dying after touching a wolf statue and being brought back to life but now soulbound to the wolf-statue-demon-thing and we don't even really know; anything that involves that one stick-skinny chick who was practically in love with the douchebag (until he got a girlfriend) because, we think, her player went through all the characters and decided that he would make the best love interest (the douchebag is played by one of my friends, and apparently the skinny chick had been stalking her - or her character - for a while, because of this fascination with the character as a potential boyfriend); any time the clique of regulars roleplays, because everything between them is so goddamn dramatic.
I really shouldn't be complaining. I accidentally made a female alien Aladdin character for a DnD campaign. (Stfu she is cooler than Aladdin.) Also, my character for this group on dA is basically a version of me who does not have my inhibitions and self-esteem issues, and despite having a shittier past than me is much happier. Also she can make fire. Talk about living through fiction.
Okay done with my geek-rant (for now).
(I'm pretty sure I was trying to make a point somewhere in here, but I seem to have lost it along the way. Ignore this post.)
Olivia
Monday, August 2, 2010
Basically.
Basically I am just really dumb.
Whyyyyyyyy do I stay up so late before I have to go to work. It really doesn't make any sense at all. I have such bad habits. DUMB DUMB DUMB.
Argh.
Olivia
PS. Alex left this morning. Actually, I'm not sure whether I told you about Alex..I did in a blog post that I don't think I ever published, because I forgot about it or something. I'll dig it up tomorrow.
Whyyyyyyyy do I stay up so late before I have to go to work. It really doesn't make any sense at all. I have such bad habits. DUMB DUMB DUMB.
Argh.
Olivia
PS. Alex left this morning. Actually, I'm not sure whether I told you about Alex..I did in a blog post that I don't think I ever published, because I forgot about it or something. I'll dig it up tomorrow.
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