Yeah..

"Please talk to me eventually some time tonight. I have to mope and I would rather not do it by myself because that makes me feel alone." It may be pathetic, but even though I spent the years between fifth and tenth grade quietly complaining to myself in my room at night, now that I have people I feel I can trust with my feelings, I just can't do that anymore. It has become a situation with two options: Hold it all in until I can't anymore and then just ramble on to someone (Christine or Reggie or, recently, The Guy) until I feel better or the someone distracts me and makes me feel silly for ever disliking my life, or Hold it all in until I've passed the can't-anymore line and then fall apart one day under the strain of hating myself, and then ramble on to someone until I feel better.

I can't take it. I don't know why any enjoyment I get out of life is fleeting at best. There are some things that make me very very happy and then the rest of everything just overshadows those, and they go away. My life is statistically better than a lot of people's, I feel; I love my family, they support me, I'm at a good school learning things that will help me reach my goals for the future, I'm reasonably skilled for the path I'm taking. I shouldn't be disappointed in myself or my situation. But every so often I crumble for a day, and walk around on the brink of tears, and no, it's not PMS, it's just life. I can't even cry it out because I have too much fucking pride, which is why it's the worst feeling in the world to fall to pieces in front of somebody, but at least I have the composure to hold it in until there's someone I can trust.

...

I sometimes wonder: Do I dislike myself because other people don't like or care about me, or do other people not like or care about me because I don't seem to like myself?

Why can't I be social and happy? I mean, I am sometimes, but at the end of the day it feels false.

...

Fuck. Flight part two will have to wait. Tomorrow I may be in a more poetic mindset. I think I just need to go to bed and not cry.

Olivia