Better.

Most of the time, recently, when I say something about myself that sounds disparaging, it actually isn't. It's a statement of my own truth. When I say I'm fat or lazy or terrible at something, the remark is not meant to put myself down, not anymore. It's just a truth. It's something that I've come to accept as a part of me, or something that I want to change, or just..something. They're all just adjectives. Descriptions.

It actually might be more damaging for someone to say 'Oh, no you aren't' to whatever I believe, because it is a contradiction I really don't need, if I'm going to change my attitude and outlook.

And believe it or not, I actually do feel myself changing. More and more, when I see myself in the mirror, I'm not pissed off by what I see. I recently discovered that I have a good smile. This thing, this being okay with who I am and what I look like, or at least most of the time - this is new. And I guess I like it. I like not hating myself all the time.

This is not a Tavros thing, not an if-I-say-I'm-confident-I'll-be-confident thing. I'm actually feeling a lot better about myself.

This is a good development.

Olivia

PS. And yet, on the other hand, when I read Cyrano I can still completely identify with his attitude. He thinks he repulses women with his appearance, and better to stay away; there are examples from the beginning that seem to prove him wrong, but his stubbornness in belief in his truths sabotages him until his death. Once I fix myself in the broader way, maybe move on to more specific categories.