Tomorrow I am going to GO OUTSIDE like a NORMAL PERSON.

I have a problem.

My problem is that I rarely go out alone. I emerge from my bedroom for food and supplies and classes, and that's it unless I have someone to give me purpose. My weekends drag on and on and I spend the whole time loitering inside on the computer, working and killing time and trying to convince myself to go do something instead of wasting my life away in front of a screen or in bed. I can't even talk myself into heading over to work in the labs most of the time. Why should I go anywhere ever again when I can operate from inside my safe zone?

Eventually all my books will be reread, all my movies rewatched, all my homework finished and touched up, and I'll just be sitting here not even able to draw because I am wholly uninspired and for someone who is trying to enter a creative field, I'm just not that goddamned creative. I think I've lost it. I think I lost it at least a year ago. I can't make anything I like anymore. All I can make are faces and sandwiches and stupid blog posts. I can hope that something will inspire me to actually do something, but lately I have been inflicted with a strange hopeless lethargy, and at the same time I chastise myself for flopping like this again. It's starting to fall into a pattern. And it really shouldn't, because like I've said before, how fucking young am I going through these crises? I really shouldn't be. It's ridiculous; it doesn't make any sense. I'm being stupid.

So then I reach out to the few people I can contact without feeling awkward, because they may be just about as socially impaired as I am making myself out to be. (One of them has agoraphobia. Fuck, that's kind of a big problem.) We help each other by forcing ourselves to emerge onto the outside world, and things are good until we part ways for the day. I realize that it is very difficult for me to be with almost anybody without feeling like a fat loser by comparison, or second-guessing everything I say or do as not up to par with my companions. (Not to say that the people around whom I am comfortable are losers, just that..I'm not sure. Maybe that they are more..reachable? I am not sure. And there are people I like to be around, but who unintentionally make me feel insignificant and boring.) I think I have managed to convince myself that everybody is too good for me; whether or not it is true, I cannot say.



You know what I need? I need to stop talking to myself, because when I talk to myself I just end up beating myself up about something or other, and that is kind of a jerkish move. It just makes things worse.

My problem is that I think too much.

I'm an idiot. Fuck.