On belief.

Have I ever mentioned this? Sometimes I am jealous of people who have the faith to believe in a god or some kind of higher power. Seriously. Fuck my skepticism. When I was little I had a vague belief in the Christian God just because my friends were all religious. I accepted it because they talked about their god as a fact. I don't remember what made me realize that I really had no ties to their faith at all, but it went out the window quite effortlessly.

I don't follow one of those deep philosophies of life, either. No Confucianism or Buddhism or Daoism for me. None of this the-world-is-one stuff. I don't believe in karma, I don't believe in any kind of life-death cycle. Although sometimes I want to, I don't - can't - believe in anything after death other than decomposition. I wish I had spiritual motivation to be a good person. Sometimes I even wish that religious fanatics were able to scare me into aiming for heaven. It's probably a good thing I don't believe anyone is watching me from on high; I am not, as of right now, living my life the way I'd like anyone to see. And I don't have anyone to blame.

I am 'superstitious'; I knock on wood and avoid certain numbers, for example. But these are cultural influences that implemented themselves into my set of compulsions. I am not really superstitious at all. The former started as a joke, and eventually started manifesting itself as an obsessive mandatory action. I knock on wood in multiples of three, like I count and meter applause in my head, not because I actually think it will affect anything, but because it is something I must do. (An aside: When I applaud for people or performances, the number of times I clap express my opinion of what has been done. It's like a rating, but only I know what is happening and what it means. It's dumb but inavoidable.) As for thirteen..well, I've always had weird relationships with numbers. Want a quick peek into my head? The best numbers under twenty are eight and eighteen, followed by twelve and seventeen, followed by four and sixteen. The worst are thirteen and fourteen. It all fits into the logic of my brain. Patterns, it seems, are my religion.

I am a just-in-case person, a what-if person. I often wonder how events might have panned out if something-something had happened a different way. And I want to be early for events and classes and meetings, so that I will not be late, or so that I can get a good seat, or whatever. And I want to always have my options open, to a point where it becomes almost a fault; I am extremely indecisive in many areas. But clearly I can't cover all bases when it comes to religion. And anyways it wouldn't work; unfortunately, I can't force belief. I wish I were that open.

A note you may or may not find interesting: I starting writing this post after reading several of many comments found on the internet bashing Scientology. That L Ron Hubbard was able to create a religion / cult / whatever-you-choose-to-call-it is rather impressive to me, actually. Enough people believed what he said. Whatever you want to say about Scientologists, at least they have the capacity to believe in something. I can't believe in anything.

Sometimes I wish I could pray. Even if it didn't do anything. Sometimes I wish I could believe that fate might do me a favor.

I live my life for myself, not for anyone who might be looking down at me. This is good or bad.

Olivia