On love-type-stuff.

I wonder whether I only want a relationship because society says I need one, or because I am actually lonely. Maybe I really just want to know that someone appreciates me..which is silly, because most of my friends like me more than I like me. (I guess if they didn't, they wouldn't be my friends, because..yeah. You know why, by now.)

I think I was fine by myself before, though. Through most of high school I just plodded along and waited to leave. (Then senior year I became good friends with dude, and I entertained a hope, but who am I kidding, nothing's going to come out of that.) But then lately I just keep thinking about it, I don't know if I'm hormonal or whatever shit. I'm sure that part of it was influenced by living with the girls this past year. Seriously, the majority of their brain space was occupied with relationship nonsense of one sort or another. One wanted a boyfriend the whole year, crushed on some people, nearly hooked up with some people, but nothing ever happened for her, to her dismay. One of them was guy-hopping for a while, liking a different one every few weeks and dropping them quickly; then she got a boyfriend and that lasted a few months, then I think she hated him or something.. One came with a boyfriend from home; then they broke up; they hated each other for a while and she was looking at a bunch of different guys; then she got back together with home-boyfriend but I don't know whether that was a real relationship or just friends-with-benefits bullshit; then I think they started hating each other again. But anyways.

Quite a while ago I decided that I just wasn't going to think about relationships ever, because I wasn't ever going to have one, so thinking about it was a waste of my time.

I wonder if it is cause or effect. Is this one of the decisions I've made that has led me deeper into this emotional pit I'm in, or is it the result of the pit? Perhaps, most likely, it is both. Telling myself I'll never be loved certainly doesn't help with the whole self-esteem thing. Obviously.

I don't think the state of mind is permanent. I hope not, anyways. I mean, I'm sure it's not; though I still think it's rather silly to hope for anything, it hasn't stopped me from thinking. Maybe this is unfortunate, or maybe it is good. I don't know.

So back to the original question. Do I need a relationship? Or do I need to think I need a relationship, in order to make myself more normal?

Why would I need a relationship? Is it a desire to seek affirmation, somehow? Am I looking for someone to tell me that no, I'm being stupid, I'm a better person than I think I am? (I suppose it's understandable if this is the case; I still don't think I believe it when my close friends tell me this. Maybe I need someone else to tell me, someone who I know thinks he loves me..if that makes sense. Maybe I'm being silly, because I know my friends care about me well enough.)

Am I actually just looking for someone to care about, whether or not he really cares for me? (Though I have said before that I have a great amount of hatred built up inside, I also think sometimes I love too easily, or too overwhelmingly. Maybe I deposit it on my family and my cat because I don't have anywhere else to put it. I feel kind of lame saying this.)

I have said before that I can be vain (in really odd ways); this generates another question. I suppose some relationships must be more self-centered than anything, for some people. Maybe they want someone to love them because it's a weird way of loving themselves..does that make sense? Do I want someone else to love me simply because I can't find the capacity to love myself?

Why do I say dumb things like this on my blog? Why am I a sap?

Good night.

Olivia