The end of the last shreds of innocence. (Twilight commentary.)

OKAY YOU GUYS I'VE DONE IT. I've broken down. I'm going to watch Twilight. Expect a play-by-play.

...

Entire movie: -is in shades of blue and grey-
Olivia: -wonders if New Moon is entirely in shades of..werewolf colors-

"Your hair is shorter." "I cut it." "Oh. Guess it grew out again." LOL.

Aw, she has a pet cactus. So cute.

"Saleslady picked out the uh, bed stuff. You like purple, right?" "Purple's cool.." Man they're so awkward.

HI I'M JACOB. I HAVE LONG FLOWING LOCKS, MAN IS MY HAIR PRETTY OR WHAT. Oh don't mind our dads, they flirt all the time.

YAY A TRUCK oops I hit you in the crotch with the door SILLY CLUMSY OL ME TEE HEE.

Jacob: -hops in truck- -chats with Bella- -surreptitiously looks at chest-

Sticking-out-like-a-sore-thumb-truck: -grumbles-
Rest-of-school: Hurr hurr nice caaaar.

Hi I'm an Asian kid whose name you're probably gonna forget. I already know your name, because I'm a total creeper. Wanna go out? -creepy grin-

HI I'M MIKE AND I KNOW YOUR NAME TOO. You hit me on the back of the head with a volleyball but it's okay because you're pretty. -goofy smile-
HEYYYYY GUYS hi I'm Jessica stay away from this guy, I may be smiling but my eyes say they will EAT YOU.
Hey yeah I'm Bella mumble mumble.
LOL YOU'RE SO FUNNY AND WE LOVE YOU.

Lunch table:
White fanboy: Bella loves me. 8D
Asian fanboy: NO ACTUALLY SHE LOVED ME FIRST.
Black fanboy: WELL I'M GONNA JUST SNEAK IN AND RANDOMLY KISS HER ON THE CHEEK WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT.
That insecure chick: Oh hahah yeah..
Glasses-and-camera girl: I LIKE YOU BE MY FRIEND.
Bella: Mumble mumble.
Everyone: LOL YOU'RE SO FUNNY AND WE LOVE YOU.

Cullens: -slow motion strut into cafeteria-
Background music: -sexytime-
Girls: -rumor rumor rumor lols-

The girl who plays Alice is kind of adorable.

Edward: -walks in-
Bella: -stoner face-
Edward: -stares at Bella-
Bella: -stoner face-

OH GOD. Bella walked into class and the fan swept her hair back as Western-standoff music played, and Edward, staring intently at her, basically got a full-body boner. Not even kidding. His entire body got really stiff. This movie is SOOOO AWKWAAAAARD.

Bella: -sits down next to Edward-
Edward: Oh god what is that stench.
Bella: *INSECURITIES ACTIVATE*

BAHAHAHAH I love the face he makes at her.











O-oh god. An old man is in love with her too. (I mean, besides Edward. Who is older.)

Cullens-sans-Edward driving into parking lot: -look totally douchey-
Bella-Fan-Club: -hang out in stoner van-
Bella: -reads book in parking lot instead of being at all social even though they all love her and want her babies-

Cullens-sans-Edward entering school: -stare at Bella-
Cullens-sans-Edward in cafeteria: -stare at Bella-
Edward: -not stare at Bella WHY ISN'T HE HERE TO GIVE ME THE STINKEYE I MISS HIM WHERE DID HE GO-

Oh look! Something that actually looks dramatic and plot-y. Even though it isn't explained at all, this is like an hour and a half earlier than it would have showed up in the book.

Boisterous fanboys: WE LOVE YOU BELLA.
Bella: Uh. -stoner face-

Edward: -is finally in class, yay!-
Edward: -is smiling and not covering nose?-
Edward: -is evidently having a bipolar moment-

Edward: I am socially awkward and my eyes are always too wide!
Bella: -giggle-

Bella: "I don't really like the rain. Any cold..wet..thing, I don't really.."
Olivia: -SNORT-

Edwards eyes: -are intense-
Bella: -swooning face-

Edward: -is suddenly extremly interested in Bella's life-
Bella: -is not creeped out at all even though she was by the harmless normal teenage flirtations of her fanboys-

Bella: -IS CARRYING THE GOLDEN ONION, LOL-

Bella: Hey your eyes changed color. I've only seen you once before this, but I know, because I'm obsessed with you.
Edward: It's..uh..the fluorescence.
Olivia: THAT WAS A REALLY LAME EXCUSE EDWARD.

Cullens-including-Edward in the parking lot: -stare at Bella-
Black fanboy's van: -screeches towards Bella intent on killing her OH IF ONLY IT HAD, AT LEAST THE PROPS KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING-
Edward: -FWOOSH- -RESCUE- -SCARY WIDE EYES-
Bella: -stoner face-

Everyone in parking lot: -SWARM ANXIOUSLY-
Black fanboy who has a cut on his face while Bella remains unscathed: I AM SO SORRY. ;A;
Charlie: I AM ANGRY AT YOU, FANBOY.
Black fanboy: I AM SO SORRY. ;A;
Charlie: You could have been killed, Bella!
Bella: That's because I'm a dumb bitch and instead of running or dodging, spread out in front of the car like I was trying to fucken protect it or something.

Doctor Cullen: -IS LIKE THE FUCKING YOUNGEST DOCTOR IN THE WORLD AND KIND OF SCARY-
Doctor Cullen: -PROBABLY PLAYED AN EXTRA AT FORKS HIGH SCHOOL THAT'S HOW YOUNG HE IS, SERIOUSLY-
Doctor Cullen: -NO BUT REALLY, AT FIRST I THOUGHT HE WAS JASPER OR SOMEONE IN A LAB COAT-

Bella: -confused assertions-
Edward: Lol you silly bitch, I was there the whole time. Shut your face.

Bella: -in bed, hears something at window-
Edward: LOL I AM TOTALLY OUT HERE CREEPING ON YOOOOOU.

White fanboy: Wanna go to the dance with me? -hopeful grin-
Bella: -stoner face- Uh no I'm gonna try to put you down gently but I know your heart is breaking uh sorry about that. Go ask airhead fangirl, she wants you.
Edward: -giggles in the background-
Teacher: By saying 'Yo', I am completely down wit' the teenaged folks.
Edward: -giggles-

Airhead fangirl: Bella guess what! White fanboy asked me to prom! I can't believe it, I thought he was going to ask you! MAN I AM SO EXCITED. THIS DOES WONDERS FOR MY FEMININE INSECURITIES.
Bella: Lol yeah whatever mumble mumble.

Asian fanboy: Lol I'm immature.

Edward: We shouldn't be friends.
Bella: BUT EVERYONE ELSE LOVES ME. YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST LET THE VAN CRUSH ME.
Edward: Yeah but then I would have gone crazy and lapped up all your blood from the pavement. And then we would have to moooove.

Alice: Hi! I am cute and friendly!
Edward: Yeah but Bella can't hang out with you because I shouldn't be friends with her.
Jasper: I have a bad wig and don't say anything and make weird faces even when I'm playing an Inuit-based warrior-boy.



(Mini-rant: I am still not sure whether or not to see The Last Airbender because it's gotten ridiculously horrible reviews and everyone hates it. And I glazed over the race-casting thing, but only because MNight said he cast according to acting ability. Apparently they can't act. And apparently they make a lot of weird name-pronunciation changes, which is dumb. You can do that for a book, but don't do it for a television show! Especially when your reasoning is that it will make it sound more authentic. Sure, make every other decision the stupidest thing ever, but decide that you're going to pronounce Aang 'Ahng' and Sokka 'So-kah' and Iroh 'Eeroh' and avatar 'ahvahtar'. Because obviously that's going to make everyone ignore your other horrible pieces.)

Black fanboy: I have a large and obvious bandage on my forehead from the cut that the accident gave me. But that's okay because at least Bella wasn't hurt!

Edward: -lame comment-
Bella: -drops apple in clumsiness and crush..iness?-
Edward: -kick-catches apple-
Olivia: OHO I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE that was really dumb but I'm impressed that Robert Pattinson could do that, I wonder how many takes they did.

Bella in the frame I paused to come write that: -stoner face-

Edward: I AM REALLY BIPOLAR YOU GUYS.
Bella: I am confused and wary.
Edward: -winning smile-
Bella: Stop PMSing.

Edward: "Let's say if you were smart, you'd stay away from me."
Bella: "Okay, let's say for argument's sake that I'm not smart."
Olivia: NO MARY SUE STEPHENIE MEYER BELLA WE CANNOT SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT AND CLEVER AND INTELLIGENT AND AMAZING.

Edward: "What if I'm not the hero, what if I'm..the bad guy?"
Bella: You're not. You're lovable and hot and I want you so bad. We are at the salad bar but I want you to do me right here. My stoner face says it all.
Olivia: -kicks-

Cute nerdy fangirl: Asian fanboy keeps not asking me to prom.
Bella: Whoops that's my fault. So I'm going to say some empty words that Christina Aguilera or someone has in her lyrics.
Cute nerdy fangirl: That means so much to me!

Indian dudes: HEY BELLA we can join your fan club too ALSO WE HAVE BETTER HAIR THAN THE GUYS AND THE GIRLS.
Jacob: Hiiiii.

Indian dudes: "The Cullens don't come here." -tense silence-
Bella and Jacob: -licorice-

Bella: What do they mean?
Jacob: I'm not supposed to tell but I LOVE YOU so I'm going to reveal my people's secrets YAY LET'S BE FRIENDS.

Jacob: -intense local legend-
Asian fanboy, in the background: -is totally immature-

More tiny plot insertion: -is really short-
But at least she's hot.
THESE ARE REAL VAMPIRES. Unfortunately I believe they also sparkle.

Bella: -goes on Google, but apparently is incapable of finding free online information, instead needing to go to an actual bookstore to find a book of legends, INSTEAD OF JUST READING ON THE INTERNET, but I guess we need her to go to that city or whatever for plot, because that's where she almost gets raped but then Edward SAVES HER, he's her knight in cold glittering marble armor skin-

Cute nerdy fangirl: Yay Bella's advice worked, Asian fanboy is settling for me!
Airhead fangirl: Yay dress shopping!
Bella: I'll come with you?
Fangirls: OF COURSE YOU ARE weneedyou.

Wow I'm only one third of the way through this movie..

Bella: I like bookstores more than dress shopping, I am a SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE.
Olivia: ..Does this mean I can't like bookstores more than dress shopping anymore? I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE HERRRRR. ;A;

Oh my god this is so awkward. RAPE SCENE god she's going to be gangbanged. That's what you get for walking down a dark alley, Bella. THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T GO TO BOOKSTORES. (Did that guy just ask her if she likes beer pong? SUDDENLY THIS MOVIE IS TOTALLY WORTH IT.)

Edward: -RESCUUUUUUE-
Bella: -slightly more intense stoner face-

Bella: You should put your seat belt on.
Edward: -hysterical giggle- YOU SHOULD PUT YOUR SEAT BELT ON.

Fangirls: BITCH WHERE WERE YOU we were hungry.
Edward: -charismatic glimmer-
Fangirls: ..-giggle-

Fangirls: Okay, so wanna go?
Edward: I will feed her dinner.
Fangirls: THAT'S SO SWEET. -giggle-
Bella: Yeah..I should eat..
Fangirls: -giggle-

Waitress: -flirts with Edward-
Edward: -stoneface-
Bella: BITCH PLEASE.

Bella: Give me some answers.
Edward: -smartassery-
Bella: Okay I love you but SHUT UP.

Edward: I can read every mind here but yours.
Olivia: THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING THERE.
Bella: "Is there something wrong with me?"
Olivia: YES.

Bella and Edward's hands: -finally touch-
Background music: -eeeeeerrriiiiiieeeeee-
Bella: Your dick hand is so cold..

Bella: Hey dad. I'm going to actually show some affection for you for the first time in this movie.
Charlie: -'s friend just got mauled by vampires got attacked by wild animals-

Bella: -opens book, sees diagram with caption containing the words 'Cold One', GOES TO GOOGLE, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST DO THAT FIRST, BELLA, YOU STUPID GIRL; THIS IS WHY HE CAN'T READ YOUR MIND-

Bella: -finally has a revelation-
Bella: -also has a wet dream about Edward dressed as Count Dracula drinking her blood-

Bella: -slow motion stare at Edward-
Edward: -slow motion stare at Bella-
Bella: -slow motion walk past Edward-
Edward: -knowing look-
Olivia: -is still not even halfway through the movie-

Edward: -follows Bella into the woods-
Edward: -is so creepy-
Bad high school mural in the background: -is bad-
Music: -is intense-
Camera angle: -is intense-

Oh here's the dramatic scene. Where Bella lists all of his vampire traits and Edward is like ..Yeah. Yeah I am. I AM ALSO DANGEROUS.

Camera movement: -is dramatic-

Bella: I know what you are.
Edward: SAY IT, BITCH.

Cheesy fast-motion run through the forest: -is cheesy-

Edward in the sunlight: -barely looks any different- -might look a bit like his skin is bubbling; did he take Polyjuice Potion recently?-
Cheesy *glitter!* sound effects: -are basically the only things that make him seem like he's sparkling-
Bella: I JUST CREAMED MY PANTS.
Edward: -resentful face-

Edward: Bella no seriously I'm really dangerous.
Bella: -orgasm face for basically the entire scene-
Edward: I AM A KILLER.
Bella: I DON'T CARE I LOVE YOU MAKE BABIES INSIDE OF MEEEE.
Edward: I WANT TO EAT YOU.
Bella: STILL LOVE YOU.

Edward: -is just running around to show off, you douchebag-

Edward: "Your scent..it's like a drug to me. You're like my own personal brand of heroin."
Bella: I am feeling so strange in my pants right now.

Bella: Now I'm afraid.
Edward: Good, you should be.
Bella: NO WAIT I'm not afraid of you, I'm afraid of losing you!
Olivia: -headdesk-

Edward: "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb."
Olivia: -HEADDESK FOREVER-

...

Alright, here's where we end for tonight. I can only take so much of this. I ended up stopping fifteen minutes in to watch Food Network for an hour and a half, because Iron Chef and Ace of Cakes are healing for my brain.

Okay this wasn't like my usual movie-watching-commentaries, where sometimes I actually say semi-thoughtful things maybe. No. Today was just a whole lot of: -watch thirty seconds- -lol- -pause movie- -scamper over to blog- -make fun of it-

More tomorrow.

(I think I almost like this better than the book, though. The book is fucken terrifying. The movie is just a load of pfffffffttttttt.)

...

And, to round off the evening:



You're welcome.

Olivia

PS. Lol..