Something old.

A Livejournal post of mine that I just found. This from October, only a week or so before I started this blog.

...

This is college.

I am constantly finding my peers to be irresponsible and immature, posing as the adults that they may or may not ever become. They appear to like me, but they find it strange when I want to leave early for events so as not to miss them, or when I try to keep things fair between everyone. They get defensive when I turn out to be right, or when they turn out to be wrong.

Everyone has a number of masks behind which he may hide. It's starting to get on my nerves. This whole world is false. Sometimes it's acceptable; sometimes it's totally fucking not. Do not lead people on, deceive them, pretend friendliness if you do not like them. I am witnessing mindgames everywhere and I am sure mindgames are being played against me, and I do not like it.

I still find within me a huge capacity for love, but also a subtle undertone of hate encompassing almost everything I know. I am not apathetic, though sometimes I choose to appear that way.

I needed flour at midnight tonight. There is a grocery store a few blocks from my dorm, open twenty-four-seven. On the walk over I smell booze and cigarettes and vomit as I pass a club, and trash lying out on the curb, and the souring perfume of drunken partiers wandering the sidewalk, and the wet of the rain turning into sewage. The lights of the buildings above me stare out of empty windows.

I am strange and alone in a city of lonely strangers. This becomes me more than did my life back home; at least I'm not the only one here.

...

I was talking about my roommates and the group of people I used to hang out with, in the beginning of the year. I had forgotten that it started way back then.

Olivia