Questions and their answers.

Why?

Because he's goofy and geeky and charming and talks to me every night and sometimes even makes me feel good about myself. Because he's addicted to video games and webcomics and fantasy. Because he's someone to whom I can ramble about Neil Gaiman, or make random references at random times, and understands what I'm saying. Because he shares my views on alcohol and drug use. Because while I'm hiding in my room from my intoxicated roommates and their loud friends, he's hiding in his room from his intoxicated hallmates and their loud friends.

Because he makes me email him my artwork and against my wishes shows it to his friends, and forces their compliments down my throat. Because that makes me happy, even while it makes me cringe.

Because whenever I tell him I hate him for it I might as well be saying the opposite. Situationally, emotionally.

Because whenever I tell him I hate myself he distracts me from it, or teases me and mocks me and goads me into retaliating. Because he knows the right things to say to get me out of my slumps. Because he barely needs to try. Because he knows the right way to act in different situations. Because even though most of the time he's silly and sarcastic, he can occasionally be serious or very, very kind. Because he's honest, and doesn't coddle my feelings when he thinks I'm being irrational.

Because he makes me happy. Because he makes me laugh. Because sometimes I think about him and smile involuntarily.

Because sometimes he makes me forget that I'm alone.

Also, on a side note, because he's incredibly good-looking, whether he realizes it or not.

That's why.

...

Why?

Because he seems to want to talk to me as much as I want to talk to him. Because sometimes he sounds like he misses me, or wants to see me. Because most of the time he initiates the voice chats on Google, not me. Because even though I know that it is sometimes partly out of convenience - it's easier to play WoW when you're not messaging people - the simple alternative would be not to talk at all.

Because of that one time when I was feeling shitty and he tried to convince me that not all guys care about appearances..

Because he hasn't been in constant contact with anyone else from high school.

Because every night, every conversation, is the most comfortable thing in the world.

That's why.

...

Why?

Because I don't love myself, and therefore can't think of any reason why anyone should love me. Because I am neither attractive nor unique. Because I have been purposefully emotionally withdrawn out of self-defense since the fifth grade. Because this is an entirely new situation for me and I don't know how I should act or react. (Because all I know of this I know from other people and from cliches. Because I don't know what's right for me, myself.)

Because he never acts like he's interested whatsoever in relationships. Because he's nonchalant and happy-go-lucky and very very rarely serious. Because I can't get into his head, can't figure out what he's thinking, and it drives me mad.

Because I don't have solid proof.

Because I am a coward, and a very nervous person.

Because, as much as I want things, what I want most is to be a rational person. Because there's this thing that splits me in half, the one side dreaming about diving in headfirst, the other holding it in, too overly cautious of the untested waters. I'm a fucking penguin; why can't I be a lemming? (Because I make stupid analogies like that.)

Because I'm terrified by the thought of what might happen to our friendship if he doesn't feel the same.

That's why.

...

Why?

Because I think it would make me happier. Because I think it would maybe make me feel better about myself.

Because I would stop being irrationally jealous of happy couples on the streets or on the subway or in my classes or in my life.

Because I would stop driving Christine insane. Because everyone who knows us has been pestering me to just do something about it instead of pretending it'll go away. Because..I think even my brother knows..

Because I would stop writing these weird blog posts.

Because I really really want to.

That's why.

Love,
Olivia