Oho, Olivia goes emo for a little while and then returns to normalish.

Hi.

Happy first, then less-happy.

I got a belated birthday present from Danielle in the mail today. It is awesome. He is hanging on my wall above my bed. He does not yet have a name, and I have yet to decorate him. But he still kicks ass (even though he was born without legs or ass or, for that matter, anything below his neck).

...

Now. I never love myself; usually I don't mind myself; sometimes I kind of like myself; occasionally I hate myself. I have these ridiculous self-esteem issues that I can't get rid of and, frankly, usually don't mind having around. But sometimes I just get so fed up with myself and go around picking on every stupid fucking thing that's wrong with me. I'm not attractive and I'm overweight and I'm not particularly likable and I'm obsessive and I'm vain and I try to be creative without actually being good at it and I am undisciplined and I am elitist and I am conspicuous and I think I'm inconspicuous and I'm lazy and I'm compulsive and I worry too much about physical appearance and I don't worry enough about physical appearance and I like to pretend I'm completely fine when really I'm very much not fine.

I'm lonely. Sometimes I'm so fucking lonely.

I hate it when I hate myself, but I can't help it.

I am so afraid of compliments - occasionally they make me visibly cringe - because I am never meeting my own expectations, and I feel I don't deserve praise. But when I am criticized I have to repress the urge to go defensive and self-righteous on my critic.

It is easy to love my family and it is easy to love my cat, but it's so hard to love anyone else. Especially The Guy. Relationships fascinate me when they only involve other people, but it is terrifying to consider myself caught up like that. My mind tells me, if I'm so self-absorbed and I can't find anything to love about myself, how can anyone else possibly find it? Only when I told a friend about The Guy did it become real to me, that my subconscious has been happily entertaining notions of a connection with him and pretending to my face that nothing was out of the ordinary. I've never felt attraction like this before, not really. I haven't talked to him since then.

I love making art. I wish I could love the art I make.

Gods, I sound so emo sometimes. I'm not. I just don't really like myself very much.

...

Aw man. He messaged me earlier and I didn't notice. Now he's logged off.

This is new to me.

...

It's almost two in the morning now. I should get some sleep for class tomorrow.

My roommate's phone plays the Kimmunicator beep from Kim Possible whenever she receives a text message. I'm jealous.

Also I want ice cream.

Currently icecreamless and possibly off to bed,
Olivia