My last entry was a cop-out. It was completely and utterly a manipulative bluff. I needed an early bedtime, I was about to collapse. Yesterday, although perfectly nice as any day may go in terms of events, was mentally distressing for me, and I could not write anything. Sorry.
Seriously, though. I spent the last few hours of my day whining and crying with my headphones on, forehead on the desk, talking to The Guy over Google voice chat about how much I hate myself. It was not a good day.
But I'm feeling well today. And the whining and crying really only lasted maybe half an hour in total, because he kept distracting me whenever I started back in on it.
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I have days when I feel like I don't exist, and that if I truly didn't exist people would be happier than they are now. On these days everyone looks mad with me, and everything I do is an embarrassment to myself and all witnesses. I feel I am so overly conspicuous that people go out of their way to ignore and avoid me. These are the times I wonder why anyone likes me, or acts like they like me (and I'm somehow able to convince myself that everyone's always just pretending so that my feelings won't be hurt), when I can't find anything to like about myself. I am both extremely vain and filled with self-loathing - as I've said before, everything that happens inside my head is a conundrum - so I hate myself but also hate when people don't listen to me or include me or take me seriously.
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Today was a feed-Olivia's-ego day. My lip sync animations for class turned out well - I got applause, even - and my classmate Monty and I stayed almost an hour after class ended for the night just talking to Eric about computer animation, and learning, and the future. He told us that we both have more talent than some of the third-years he's seen or taught. I didn't know what to say.
I am so fucking determined to kick ass at this school. There is no option. My thesis will have to be the greatest, when senior year is over. I love the little nuances, the tiny subtleties in animation that make them believable. They take a long time and a lot of effort to create, but getting them right is so satisfying. The greatest feeling in the world is when I'm in class, during the homework critique, and after I've played my animation, and it's on a continuous loop, nobody says anything. For several loops. And then after a couple of minutes somebody says "Wow," or "Oh my god," or "I hate you". Greatest feeling. In the world.
It's happened a few times for me in this class. My goal is to make something that will awe the whole wide fucking world.
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There is an undergraduate summer program at Pixar, taught by their technical directors, meant for freshmen and sophomores. They don't take many people. Twenty, or something. Dear lord do I want to do that. I guess I also have to kick ass in the application.
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On a lighter note, look what I found. If you don't know me,
It brightened my day, as a sparkly-skinned vampire could never do.
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And on that, I say good night. It is two, my alarm clock is set for five thirty. I have to escort Reggie to Penn Station; he's staying the night because he has an early bus to catch and he didn't want to have to come into the city from Rutgers tomorrow morning. I hope tomorrow is also better than yesterday.
Looking up, for now,
Olivia
That article entranced me just as those disgusting books have entranced so many other teenage girls.
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