Yo, hello.
One suitemate has moved out. Two leave tomorrow. Jen, Sarah and I will have a three-bedroom apartment to ourselves. I worry that I will become the hated roomie. While the three of us are closest, the two of them are closer, and girls find themselves constantly in need of an object of gossip, of disdain. Jen and I currently share a double, and she will be moving into the soon-empty room next door. She is mostly tidy, I am decidedly not. Occasionally I get the feeling that she doesn't like me but tolerates me. (She hasn't said anything to make me feel this way, I guess. On the contrary, while talking excitedly about having her own room, she makes a point to clarify that 'she loves me, but she'd just love to have a room to herself, you know?' It's just a feeling. I can be paranoid sometimes.) And lately, whether out of design or accident, I have been feeling left out of most things that go on.
One of the girls moving out tomorrow was the previous object of scorn. I hope the three of us remaining will continue to enjoy each others' company without dividing. Social ties are fickle and deteriorate with overexposure.
...
I watched Lar deSouza draw last night. It both inspired me and struck fear into my heart. Or if not fear, at least..I don't know. Apprehension. Or something. He's fucking good, and skilled, and fast. I know that he's had a lifetime of experience that I haven't, but it really bothers me that I'm in school for art and still don't know why I'm here. I mean, I know what I want to be doing. But it still sometimes surprises me that I actually got in. When people say my work is good it delights me, and then that horrible bit of my mind comes in to crush my joy and tells me that I still don't have any real worth.
It's good, though. It means I won't stop striving. Ever.
...
Dude we've gone from never being online at the same time for several weeks to talking every fucking night. This makes me happy and also frustrates me greatly. You make me nervous and tense and happy. It makes it that much harder to get myself to shut the fuck up and not say anything stupid.
...
Did a self portrait for tomorrow's digital imaging class homework. (Click for larger image.)
I really don't like self portraiture. Especially when I am told to 'have some meaning behind it', as was the case for this assignment. It always turns out kind of upsetting. I guess I am inherently an upsetting person. I mean, almost everything I've posted so far in this blog is, if not exactly unhappy, then at least dissatisfied with life. I don't usually think this way, or at least when I'm distracted.
...
One thing that will be nice about having my own room is not having to worry if Jen is too cold. I like leaving the window open while I sleep, because I like being cold rather than being hot. It makes it that much more comfortable tucked underneath my blankets.
I'm off to bed now; it's one in the morning, a rather early bedtime for me. Or reasonable, at least. I want to be awake in class tomorrow.
That frigid bitch,
Olivia
One suitemate has moved out. Two leave tomorrow. Jen, Sarah and I will have a three-bedroom apartment to ourselves. I worry that I will become the hated roomie. While the three of us are closest, the two of them are closer, and girls find themselves constantly in need of an object of gossip, of disdain. Jen and I currently share a double, and she will be moving into the soon-empty room next door. She is mostly tidy, I am decidedly not. Occasionally I get the feeling that she doesn't like me but tolerates me. (She hasn't said anything to make me feel this way, I guess. On the contrary, while talking excitedly about having her own room, she makes a point to clarify that 'she loves me, but she'd just love to have a room to herself, you know?' It's just a feeling. I can be paranoid sometimes.) And lately, whether out of design or accident, I have been feeling left out of most things that go on.
One of the girls moving out tomorrow was the previous object of scorn. I hope the three of us remaining will continue to enjoy each others' company without dividing. Social ties are fickle and deteriorate with overexposure.
...
I watched Lar deSouza draw last night. It both inspired me and struck fear into my heart. Or if not fear, at least..I don't know. Apprehension. Or something. He's fucking good, and skilled, and fast. I know that he's had a lifetime of experience that I haven't, but it really bothers me that I'm in school for art and still don't know why I'm here. I mean, I know what I want to be doing. But it still sometimes surprises me that I actually got in. When people say my work is good it delights me, and then that horrible bit of my mind comes in to crush my joy and tells me that I still don't have any real worth.
It's good, though. It means I won't stop striving. Ever.
...
Dude we've gone from never being online at the same time for several weeks to talking every fucking night. This makes me happy and also frustrates me greatly. You make me nervous and tense and happy. It makes it that much harder to get myself to shut the fuck up and not say anything stupid.
...
Did a self portrait for tomorrow's digital imaging class homework. (Click for larger image.)
I really don't like self portraiture. Especially when I am told to 'have some meaning behind it', as was the case for this assignment. It always turns out kind of upsetting. I guess I am inherently an upsetting person. I mean, almost everything I've posted so far in this blog is, if not exactly unhappy, then at least dissatisfied with life. I don't usually think this way, or at least when I'm distracted.
...
One thing that will be nice about having my own room is not having to worry if Jen is too cold. I like leaving the window open while I sleep, because I like being cold rather than being hot. It makes it that much more comfortable tucked underneath my blankets.
I'm off to bed now; it's one in the morning, a rather early bedtime for me. Or reasonable, at least. I want to be awake in class tomorrow.
That frigid bitch,
Olivia
First off, congrats for consistantly maintaining the blog. I know how tough that can be, considering my history of failure in that department.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, getting this window into your life makes me really regret not hanging out with ya after meeting you during orientation (especially considering that makes me seem a bit Internet-creeper-ish). You sound like you're in great need of hanging out and meeting new people; just call me if you're free sometime next week (not that that's a likely thing considering our workloads). Maybe we can take over a third world country or somethin'.