Zombie armies fend away sadness; course registration; time.

So.

I have a few different kinds of bad days. There are some like yesterday, that make me feel like the world hates me and leave me wondering why I'm here, why I'm still alive. There are some when I wander around all day feeling like I'm going to cry. That was today. I usually don't have them two days in a row, especially two different kinds.

It's not like the events of the day are bad. The events are usually normal-to-good. It's a feeling when I wake up, this weird pressing overbearing force that makes my brain drag across the ground behind me.

It got better, though. I was going to just go to sleep early so I would stop thinking, but then dude sent me this really rather absorbing game on Kongregate dealing with zombie infestations, and I played it for three hours, and eliminated large portions of the world, and..that made me feel better.

Escapism is really much better than wallowing.

...

We had a department meeting for freshmen today, about course registration for next year. This year I was waived out of the freshman English classes, Literature and Writing I and II, but I had to fill those spots with humanities credits. I was going to take the Shakespeare class, and in fact did attend the first day, but it turned out I had to take the proficiency exam anyways. Kind of lame. But ah well. I switched from Shakespeare to Sculpture. Sophomore year we have to take a studio outside our major, so I flipped it; my studio elective was taken this year, and next year instead of two humanities classes I have to take three. There's a lot of cool courses. Unfortunately, freshmen get last pick.

There's still a lot of requirements. We have Computer Animation: 3D Modeling and Animation in Maya I and II, Visual Effects and Broadcast Design: Motion Graphics I and II, MEL Scripting for Maya Artists (which most people hate), and either History of Film I and II or History of Animation I and II. There's also a non-credit all-sophomores lecture class - taught by John McIntosh, the department head - called Professional Practices. Which is about..professional practices. Sounds cool.

I'm excited for next year. I won't be living in this apartment. And I'll have animation year-round.

...

Jen's on spring break this week; she's coming to visit tomorrow and Friday. We are going to spend as much time as possible out of the dorm; I need to stop cooping up in my room all the time.

It's St Patrick's Day today. Any excuse for them to get drunk, eh?

They definitely don't like me. It barely bothers me anymore. (This is that apathy I'm afraid of; I'm afraid it will engulf my life, so I won't even care about fixing my problems, because they'll only appear mere annoyances. It is good for me now, and probably hazardous for my future prospects. I don't want to keep isolating myself for the rest of my life.)

...

I am always waiting for time to pass. I want it to be three weeks from now, so Pixar can send me a rejection. I want it to be four weeks from now, so I can see my mom when she's in the city on business. I want it to be the first of May, so I can pack up and be out of this suite. I want it to be next semester, so I can get back to animating.

Time is moving by so quickly and so slowly at once. It's a little bit terrifying. My freshman year of college is almost over. Less than a month and a half left. I am just waiting for it to get more intense, so maybe I can prove myself to myself.

...

It is three in the morning and I'm not even tired. That's what I get for taking naps. I'm going to try to sleep anyways. I should get more sleep. This morning I almost didn't get out of bed for class, between the sourceless feeling of despair and an overbearing exhaustion.

Good night.

Olivia

PS. The zombie game we were playing tonight has random facts interspersed; apparently, wives of cheating husbands in Hong Kong are allowed to murder said husbands, if they do so with their bare hands. Our conversation:

Him: "Would you do it?"
Me: "I have a rather strong belief that I'll never be able to attract anyone, but no, I wouldn't."
"What if you were allowed to use a gun?"
"Nope."
"Sword?"
"..Maybe."
"Lightsaber?"
"Heh, more likely."
"What would I have to offer you to get you to kill someone?"
"A happy life."
"Good answer."

PPS. Now it is four in the morning. I obviously have not been taking my own advice. (Then again, when do I?) I haven't even been doing anything remotely pretending to be productive. (Well, I guess watching stop-motion videos on Youtube could be considered doing research for our project. That's kind of what I had in mind, anyways.) I should go to bed..

Still not tired at all..