Spider-Man and also being mean to myself again.

Lesson to be learned from the three Spider-Man movies: Science ruins everything. That enhancement gas stuff Green Goblin dude used.. and the octo-arms for Doc Ock who apparently only wanted to do good things for mankind through the power of science.. and the particle experiment that created the Sandman.. science fucks everyone up.

Funny thing, about Mary Jane. All she seems capable of doing is screaming, being imperiled, and kissing guys.

(Yes, I did watch all three Spider-Man movies in the last two days. Yes, I know I'm an idiot.)

...

So I've been thinking about that little period of time some years ago when I was really seriously ridiculously depressed. I've always been kind of ashamed of it, because in retrospect I thought I'd behaved rather childishly. But a friend is having problems..and I wonder what I was doing back then.

Most of my life was filled with this suffocating loneliness..

Now I mostly feel silly about the whole thing.

And that's another thing. Why am I always ashamed of my past actions? This is something that plagues me always, and I wonder if others look back at their younger selves with regret. I have always, always, always been trying to grow up too fast. I want to be better than I am now. This is why I don't like myself. But why is that? The only part of myself I still love is the little girl third grade and below. I wonder what it is about myself that I have hated since then. And still it happens now. I am so much better than I ever have been, but I am still tearing myself down from the inside. What is it about me that repulses me?

I wish more than anything that I could learn to be satisfied as the person I am. I know I always say that the self-loathing is making me stronger by driving me to perfect myself, but..when I'm actually thinking, it's hard to be happy. I just wish I could be nice to myself. Is that really so hard?

I mean, no wonder I'm afraid of relationships. I guess down somewhere I don't want to give myself a reason to feel loved.

I'm such a coward.

Wow that discussion took a turn somewhere..

...

In other news, Project Birdlivia is going rather well. I'm drawing the tree right now. Then it should be done. Maybe I'll post it tomorrow.

...

Yeah okay bye. Gotta finish the homework.

Olivia

PS. Whoooooo Homestuck Soundtrack Volume Four whoooooooo.